Chapter 3 “Monster, Monster…”

Chapter 3 "Monster, Monster..."

My tolerance for alcohol was truly low. Just as I finally grasped the situation, a wave of dizziness washed over me. Yuan Ye and the young man blurred into dozens of shifting figures, swaying before my eyes.

"My dear younger brother, are you alright?" Yuan Ye's words were solicitous, yet he remained motionless.

That suited me perfectly; I didn't want him to touch me in the slightest. To me, he reeked of putrid decay, indistinguishable from a walking corpse.

I waved a dismissive hand, forcing myself to stand despite my wobbly legs, and stumbled my way back home.

As I furtively entered my room, I noticed the light still burning in Father’s study. A prickle of guilt made me fan away the tell-tale scent of alcohol. Sure enough, the study door swung open.

"Xiao Qiu, have you been drinking?" Father’s sharp brows furrowed slightly as he asked, his tone laced with helplessness.

I dreaded seeing Father frown. When I was little and bullied outside, he would comfort me with that same worried expression, his eyes betraying a mix of heartache and fury.

"I was just so happy today, I had a few extra cups! Father, you should go to bed early! Don’t work too late! Xiao Qiu will worry about you!" I beamed at him, reaching out to smooth the worry lines between his brows. "There, that’s my most handsome, most amazing Father!"

"Eighteen years old and still so unserious!" he chided, though a smile spread across his face. "Go rest in your room. Father will make you a bowl of sobering-up soup."

As he headed towards the kitchen, my mind felt muddled. I leaned halfway against the railing, gazing blankly at his retreating figure.

Though Father was a scholar, he possessed broad shoulders and strong arms, carrying himself with an elegant grace. When I was young, I often clung to his back, acting spoiled. His back always gave me an immense sense of security—always towering, always capable, my Father.

After drowsily finishing the sobering-up soup, I finally felt somewhat better. At least my head wasn’t as heavy, and my scattered thoughts began to coalesce once more.

The spring night breeze was cool. I pulled my spring robe tighter and walked to the window to close it, but unexpectedly encountered the brilliant, cold gaze of the moon—aloof and proud, shining distantly upon me.

White as frost, cold as snow, keeping all at bay yet breathtakingly beautiful. Xie Yan was like this luminous moon—when would he ever fall into my embrace?

I sighed reluctantly and closed the window.

Still, sleep wouldn’t come.

Though I had lived eighteen years, this was the first time I harbored such a strange secret. A man loving another man—how shocking a notion in the Jiang Dynasty. Part of me felt like a monster, yet another part believed this affection was not wrong at all.

I wanted Xie Yan to know how I felt.

In the days that followed, I often found myself thinking of Xie Yan. I pretended to pass by the Crown Prince’s residence daily but never once encountered him. I wondered if he was deliberately avoiding me.

The story of me waiting outside the Crown Prince’s residence for an hour had been twisted and spread by gossips, eventually becoming a tale of me offering myself to Xie Yan only to be harshly rejected.

I was utterly speechless, only wishing I were more imposing and mighty. If I were as tall and strong as my Father, people would probably say I wanted to befriend Xie Yan and become his close confidant—that would sound far better than offering myself.

I began to anticipate various banquets, as they were my only chance to see Xie Yan. I even read many books specifically for this purpose. Since Xie Yan didn’t want to see me or speak with me, I decided to write him a letter and secretly deliver it.

But I had little talent for writing. After spending days in the study, the best I could manage was: "The moonlight shines before my bed, I mistake for frost on the ground."

And my handwriting was truly unsightly—sloppy and uneven, like bizarrely shaped caterpillars. I deeply regretted not studying harder when I had the chance. "It's too late to regret not studying when you need it" perfectly described my current situation.

To improve my handwriting, I buried myself in the study every day. By the eve of the banquet, my writing had finally become somewhat legible. I didn’t want Xie Yan to receive my letter and struggle to decipher a single word.

I even dressed up specially, wearing the robe Father gifted me for my eighteenth birthday. It was extremely lightweight, embroidered with wisteria—a design Father had several seamstresses work on for three months. Wearing it made me appear more slender and elegant.

More importantly, wisteria was my late mother’s favorite flower. By wearing this to see Xie Yan, I felt I was also introducing him to my mother.

The banquet was truly lively—a one-month celebration for some young prince. The Emperor left early, leaving only the young nobility to enjoy themselves with drinks and conversation.

I observed Xie Yan for a long time. That day, he wore an ivory brocade robe with a jade crown securing his hair. Sitting under the moonlight, he seemed almost ethereal, as if he might ascend to the heavens if I blinked.

After waiting for what felt like an eternity, I finally saw him leave his seat. I immediately followed, clutching the letter in my sleeve nervously, sweat beading on my forehead. All my attention was on Xie Yan, and I didn’t notice the commotion behind me.

Xie Yan wasn’t walking fast, but he was much taller than me, and I struggled to keep up. Finally, he stopped in front of a pavilion and turned around slowly, his grey eyes calm and deep like the ocean.

Behind him, countless flowers swayed in the wind, their fragrance carried into my nostrils by the spring breeze. My breathing quickened as I stretched out my hand, bowing my head, and offered him the letter damp with palm sweat. "Your Highness, thank you for saving me."

"Hahahaha! I told you this little miss has a crush on the Crown Prince, and you all didn’t believe me! Now you’ve seen it with your own eyes!"

"Come, come, everyone! Look—the little miss is in love!"

Yuan Ye’s voice came from behind me. The once quiet pavilion was suddenly filled with the clamor of footsteps. He darted in front of me and snatched the letter away.

My blood ran cold, as if I had fallen into an icy cellar in the depths of winter. A piercing chill seeped from deep within my bones.

"Xie Yan, thank you for saving my life."

"By the riverside, a pair of turtledoves coo. A graceful gentleman is a fine match for a fair man. Would you honor me with a boat ride on the lake?"

"Hahahaha! The little miss can even write poetry! Everyone, listen to this!"

"Hahahaha!"

"Hahaha!"

As soon as Yuan Ye finished speaking, his cronies burst into uproarious laughter. Staring at Xie Yan’s gold-embroidered boots, I trembled uncontrollably. Memories swirled in my mind—the taunting laughter of children, the painful, isolated sobbing—until my head felt like it would explode. I couldn't tell past from present.

"This effeminate little miss actually wants to be the Crown Princess!" Yuan Ye wasn’t done. He walked slowly toward me, a mocking, cold smile on his face. "There’s more. Should I keep reading?"

I’m not sure which of his words struck a nerve, but I let out a sharp cry and charged at him, screaming, "Give it back! Give it back to me, you bastard!"

Yuan Ye was much taller than me. He held the letter high above his head, out of my reach. I stumbled and fell to the ground, my face scraped by the gravel. The wisteria embroidery on my sleeve was stained with mud. I stared blankly at the dirtied patterns, tears falling soundlessly. Would my mother see me in such a wretched state?

"Yuan Ye, shut up."

Xie Yan’s words were brief but carried an unquestionable authority. The laughter and bullying ceased abruptly.

"Your Highness, could it be that you’re interested in him too?" Yuan Ye seemed incredulous, whispering the question to Xie Yan.

Xie Yan only coldly replied, "You’re being too loud," before turning and leaving. Watching his retreating figure, I felt a sudden sadness. Why was I always so pathetic in front of him?

I don’t know how I managed to escape that humiliating scene that night. Xie Yan’s words had indeed worked. Yuan Ye cursed under his breath a few times before stalking off without looking back. I no longer had the energy to confront him.

The servants had the carriage waiting at the palace gate. Xiao Man looked at me with concern, reaching out to support me. "Young master, are you alright?"

"I’m fine," I said, affecting composure as usual and waving him off. "You all go back first. I want to walk alone. Don’t tell my Father about what happened tonight."

Xiao Man knew he couldn’t change my mind and left reluctantly, looking back every few steps.

The distance from the palace gate to my home wasn’t long, but it wasn’t short either. It was late, and the streets were empty. The stone pavement was damp with night dew, and a few sparse lantern lights glowed like faint will-o’-the-wisps. The spring night breeze was chilly, and my thin robe offered little protection. I felt a bone-chilling cold, my teeth even beginning to chatter.

A stinging pain shot across my face as salty teardrops touched the abraded skin. Only then did I realize I was crying.

The nightmares of my childhood suddenly came flooding back—the taunts of other children, the sharp, isolated cries. The pretense of strength I had maintained all these years completely crumbled.

I’m so useless.

I sobbed uncontrollably, barely able to stand upright. Fortunately, there were no people around to witness my undignified state. But then, hurried footsteps approached in the distance, and my Father’s figure appeared before me.

He seemed to have come in a rush—his usually neat attire was in disarray, his expression a mix of concern and anxiety, just like when he would search for me when I was little.

"Xiao Qiu, Father is here." Upon seeing me, his face broke into a loving smile as he opened his arms wide.

I wiped the tear stains from my face and threw myself into his embrace, just as I did in childhood. His hand patted my back soothingly. "Father is here, don't be afraid, don't cry."

I sobbed quietly, showing him the robe with cloud patterns. "Father, my clothes are dirty."

"It's alright, they'll be clean after a wash." Not understanding my hidden feelings, Father simply comforted me. Then he noticed the scrapes on my face, a flash of fury crossing his eyes as he said coldly, "I will make him pay."

I didn’t want to escalate the matter, especially since my father and the General of the Northern Garrison were now the Emperor's most trusted advisors. Yuan Ye’s father commanded significant military forces and was not to be provoked lightly. I could only say, "Father, I’m fine. They were just joking with me."

"Is that how jokes are made? Then Father will have a little 'fun' with them too." My father had his own ideas and seemed unwilling to dwell on the topic. Instead, he smiled and asked me, "Xiao Qiu, do you want to be friends with the Crown Prince?"

I couldn’t share my true thoughts with Father—those rebellious thoughts would surely shock him. I could only nod obediently.

"My Xiao Qiu wants to make a friend for the first time and has tried so hard. Father will help you."

Father didn’t connect my actions with admiration; he simply thought I was lonely and wanted a friend. As he spoke, he took out a handkerchief and gently wiped the mud from my face. Then he took my hand and we walked slowly home.

Father’s palm was broad and warm, giving me endless strength. Suddenly, all the grievances I had suffered felt insignificant.

After resting at home for a few days, the scrapes had mostly healed. Then my father suddenly told me that he had secured me a position as the Crown Prince’s study companion/attendant and that I should report to the Crown Prince’s residence tomorrow.