Chapter 19 “A Little Liar’s Tears Are Not to Be Trusted”

Chapter 19: "A Little Liar's Tears Are Not to Be Trusted"

The raw hatred in Xie Yan’s eyes startled me, making me recoil a step, my body rigid and immobile. My intuition told me that his hatred at this moment stemmed not only from the Empress’s deliberate humiliation but also from my unwitting intrusion.

It was just like—just like the day I confessed my feelings to Xie Yan, when Yuan Ye publicly ridiculed the love poem I wrote, and I was consumed by a mix of hatred, fear, inferiority, and shame.

Or perhaps it was like being accustomed to performing sordid deeds in secret and enduring public mockery, yet meticulously shielding those you cherish from ever witnessing such a sight.

You yearn for them to see you as pure and distant as the moon in the sky, as noble as a celestial deity, inviolable and worthy of eternal devotion.

But then, the fragile facade shatters unexpectedly, your magnificent idol crumbles, and your stunned devotees scatter, leaving behind only an empty temple and your abandoned self.

At this moment, Xie Yan and I, amidst the surging crowd, saw only each other.

I saw the turbulent hatred in his eyes, a fleeting regret, but swiftly, his gaze hardened into indifference. He rose with languid grace, just as he was when we first met—cold, aloof, his eyes devoid of all emotion, as if I had never existed.

Suddenly, I understood Xie Yan’s recent emotional turmoil. He must have anticipated the Empress’s attempts to humiliate him at the birthday banquet, which was why he never intended to bring me. Yet, by some twist of fate, I came anyway.

I shouldn't have come.

I sighed and looked towards Xie Yan again. He had already risen and followed the Empress into the hall, his slender back appearing desolate in the night breeze, his robes fluttering like a solitary crane.

He did not look back at me again.

A pang of heartache struck me, accompanied by a dreadful premonition. If I didn't act to mend this, Xie Yan might never see me again, and all our entanglements would cease.

The thought made my heart feel as if an invisible hand had seized and squeezed it, the pain so intense I could barely breathe.

I couldn’t lose Xie Yan. Absolutely not.

I found a palace attendant to deliver my calligraphy to my father and left a message for him before ordering my sedan chair to the Crown Prince’s estate.

I waited in the entrance pavilion, a path Xie Yan had to take. It was late, and few idlers were about, allowing me to speak with him freely.

But I waited for a long time, and Xie Yan still hadn’t returned. This was highly unusual; he disliked drinking and boisterous banquets, so he never used to return this late.

Yet, I always held immense patience for Xie Yan, even preparing to wait through the entire night. I watched the bright moon overhead descend towards the treetops before Xie Yan finally returned.

His steps were steady, though somewhat lighter than usual. I quickly called out to him, offering a placating smile, "Xie Yan! Xie Yan! I'm here!"

He turned to look at me only after hearing my voice, his gaze icy, his expression frosty. He slowly entered the pavilion, and it was then that I caught the heavy scent of alcohol on him.

Xie Yan must have drunk a lot tonight to reek so strongly of alcohol. Usually, when we attended banquets together, he barely touched a drop, but tonight, he had drunk with such abandon.

"How much did you drink? Let me make you a bowl of sobering broth."

I secretly observed Xie Yan’s expression. His face was as cold as jade, but his thin lips glistened, and his breath carried the fiery essence of strong liquor. I disliked alcohol and couldn't stand the smell, so I couldn't help but frown and sigh.

Seeing my reaction, Xie Yan suddenly erupted.

He abruptly pinned me against the pavilion’s wooden pillar, his cool hand gripping my cheek. He leaned in, so close that his lips were almost touching mine.

I could even smell the subtle, pleasant cold fragrance on him, now overwhelmed by the strong alcohol. Unable to bear it, I turned my head away, which only enraged him further.

"Are you satisfied, seeing me like a dog today?"

"I, Xie Yan, live no better than a dog. So what? Are you scared?"

"Feng Jiuyue, you're a liar."

I had never seen such a terrifying expression on Xie Yan’s face. His gray eyes reflected the cold moonlight, like the bitter frost of winter, threatening to freeze me solid. His hands were equally cold, clamping my cheek with such force that tears involuntarily welled up.

He seemed to be awaiting my answer, remaining close, his breath falling on my face, my ears, as terrifying as a serpent’s coil.

I was scared. The Xie Yan in my heart shouldn't be like this.

He was a dignified gentleman who had saved me from peril multiple times, calm and composed, never flustered even when rescuing me.

So why did he feel so unfamiliar now?

"Feng Jiuyue," Xie Yan’s voice came softly, like a demon’s whisper. His kisses trailed relentlessly on the side of my ear, making me tremble all over. "Do you still like me?"

Did I still like him?

At that moment, I felt only panic and fear, instinctively curling away, trying to evade Xie Yan’s kisses on my face. He suddenly let out a low laugh, his voice cold and chilling, his gaze dark and turbulent like crashing waves, terrifying me. "Feng Jiuyue, you liar."

After saying this, he picked me up—holding me as one would a child, his hands gripping my waist tightly. It hurt enough to bruise. He lifted me effortlessly and placed me on the table in the center of the pavilion.

The table was made of fine cold jade. Even though it was still summer, lying on that jade table, I felt a piercing cold.

I desperately curled my body, and Xie Yan didn’t stop me. He stood straight, looking down at me, his nose sharp, his gray eyes cold, gazing at me as if with ice from the depths of the sea, yet also with a smoldering fire.

He extended his fingertip, slowly tracing my eyebrows, the small mole under my eye, down to the tip of my nose, my lips, and then my neck. Everywhere he touched sent shivers through me.

I didn’t know what he intended to do, but I was terrified he would continue exploring. If this went on, my deformed body would be exposed. It absolutely couldn’t happen.

Panicked, I tightened my collar, propping myself up slightly, trying to communicate with Xie Yan. Out of fear, I stammered, "X-Xie Yan, wh-what's wrong with you today?"

Xie Yan didn’t answer me. He seemed lost in his own world, consumed by his emotions. He leaned down, pressing close to me, his feverish kisses moving from the small mole under my eye all the way down to my neck.

It felt like he was taking out his rage, biting my neck so hard it hurt. I reached out to push him away, but he restrained me with just one hand.

"Feng Jiuyue, breaking your word comes with a price."

Xie Yan’s voice rang out coldly, like the final, mournful knell of a funeral bell. He raised my hands above my head and began to undo my belt.

"No, Xie Yan, don’t do this. I’m scared."

I tried to break free from the belt’s restraint but found I couldn’t. I was like a fish on the chopping block, entirely at Xie Yan’s mercy. I hated my body even more. If only I were as strong as Xie Yan, I wouldn’t be so helpless.

"Crying?"

Perhaps hearing my unmistakable weeping, Xie Yan stopped what he was doing. He didn’t undo my belt further but instead touched the corner of my eye.

His long fingers smeared my tears, and he brought them to his mouth, tasting them slowly. Then he said coldly, "A little liar’s tears are not to be trusted."

He undid my belt and used it to bind my hands. I sobbed until I was breathless, my breathing disorder flaring up violently. I struggled incessantly, my wrists twisting, the air in my chest feeling as if it had been sucked away, my heart hurting as if it would burst.

I wanted to call out Xie Yan’s name but couldn’t. Tears streamed down endlessly. In my hazy consciousness, I suddenly understood the "deception" Xie Yan spoke of.

In Xie Yan’s eyes, I had forcefully invaded his life with superficial affection, only to cowardly retreat after witnessing his vulnerabilities.

But I never intended to retreat.

Almost as soon as my frantic gasps began, Xie Yan stopped all his frivolous actions. He lifted his head from my shoulder, decisively picked me up, and carried me into the bedchamber. He steadied my breathing by passing me water mouth-to-mouth.

Once my breathing gradually eased, he removed his hand from my back, untied the belt from my wrists, and laid me on the soft couch. His movements were fluid, carrying a careful sense of comfort and care, yet he said to me, "Get out."

I froze instantly, unsure how to react, but Xie Yan was quicker, turning and walking away before my eyes.

Clearly, he was the master of the bedchamber, and he was the one who told me to leave, yet in the end, he was the one who walked away. By the time I gathered my wits, all I could see was his slightly disheveled back. I recalled his silhouette at the banquet—lonely, isolated, as if abandoned by the whole world.

Thinking of his childhood experiences, it suddenly dawned on me: Xie Yan had indeed been abandoned by the world. But I came into his life, so why did I still end up hurting him so deeply?

I’m such a jerk!

I practically sprinted after him, reaching out to tightly wrap my arms around his slender waist, burying my face against his back. My voice trembled but was resolute: "Xie Yan, don’t misunderstand me. I really, truly, deeply care about you."

For some reason, whenever I’m with Xie Yan, I find it especially easy to shed tears. Just like now, sobbing while explaining to him, "I never thought you were a dog; I only felt my heart aching unbearably. If only I had met you earlier, I would have treated you well—exceptionally well, the absolute best."

"I really like you so much. No matter what you’ve done in the past, I still like you. I didn’t lie to you, and I didn’t break my promises. I will always like you, so please don’t drive me away."

"I won’t leave. Don’t be afraid."

"I’m going to stick by you until you like me back. I want to be your crown consort, then your empress. We’ll stay together forever."

"If you really want to do… what you were doing earlier, I’m willing too."

The moment I embraced Xie Yan, I clearly felt his back stiffen for an instant. He didn’t turn around, but I knew he was listening intently. Even after I poured out my heart, Xie Yan still didn’t look back. I had no choice but to shamelessly move around to face him and study his expression.

He still looked down at me with that haughty, superior gaze. Due to his foreign ancestry, his eye sockets were deep, and his gray pupils were profound. When he looked down at me, it felt cold and dismissive. I didn’t dare argue with him, so I shifted my gaze elsewhere—only to be shocked to discover that Xie Yan’s ears had turned red.

[Author's Note]:

Just to clarify: The recipient only had a breathing spell - clothes remained intact, and only neck kisses occurred. Nothing further happened, dear moderators!