Chapter 43 “I Just Need to Kill Myself”

Chapter 43: “I Just Need to Kill Myself”

My earlobes burned, feeling as though they might bleed. I turned my head away in utter disarray, barely evading Xie Yan’s scorching breath near my ear. My expression twisted with humiliation as I pressed my back even tighter against the wall, forcing out the words, “Your Highness, my attendant clearly hasn’t arrived yet. Are you planning to take me right here, right now?”

“If he comes and his words don’t align with Your Highness’s suspicions, what will you say then?”

I knew deep down these words were nothing but a bluff. Huai Xin and I had never coordinated our accounts regarding playing chess. I had only forced him to conceal the strange behaviors I exhibited after waking from falling from the building, never imagining Xie Yan would be so cunning and deceitful, cornering me into a dead end.

It was simply impossible for such coincidences to exist. Chou Yunqing couldn’t possibly look exactly like me and also share my peculiar, irritable bad habits. From what I observed of him, he seemed placid and gentle—how could he possibly have such outrageous behaviors?

I knew the odds of these bizarre coincidences occurring were incredibly slim, almost nonexistent. But if they did happen, it would be divine favor upon me.

Heaven had given me a chance to live again, and the means to seek revenge. If things truly unfolded as I had deceived Xie Yan into believing, it would mean heaven was rescuing me from peril, sparing me the suffering of being tortured by the wolf's clutches.

Now, as vulnerable as a rabbit pinned by its ears, I could only curl up, hiding my hatred in a corner, silently waiting for a chance to counterattack.

Xie Yan’s blunt words brought back memories of that absurd past. The heart-pounding moments, tears welling in the corners of my eyes, a voice hoarse from crying, gentle whispers of comfort—all had become dark, haunting nightmares dragging me into an endless abyss.

Now, whenever I recalled that night’s entanglement in bed, I felt nauseated, with furious blood rushing up, clamoring to burst through my chest.

I had once loved someone deeply, so deeply. That person took my body, stole my father’s secrets, caused my father to be beheaded, yet hypocritically acted as though he cherished me after my death. And now, I was still no match for him.

Suddenly, I felt exhausted—a weariness rising from the depths of my heart. I could only bow my head and close my eyes deeply. If my lies were exposed and Xie Yan punished me as he had on our wedding night, I would have no choice but to die with him.

But I had no suitable weapon at hand, and my strength was like a mantis trying to block a chariot compared to Xie Yan’s. What could I do?

I pondered for a long time, nearly sinking into despair, only for a macabre flower of decay to bloom from that despair. Then, suddenly, I smiled.

I just need to kill myself.

Xie Yan stared fixedly at me, watching as a brilliant smile bloomed at the corner of my lips. He seemed affected too, his eyes curving into crescents as if reflecting the moon in his eyes.

I remembered the night I returned to the Feng Manor. He sat lonely on the railing of the long corridor, the breeze tousling his dark hair, the moonlight kissing his cold, clear face. His pale gray eyes reflected the faint moonlight, radiating an indescribable sorrow and melancholy.

But I felt not a shred of emotion in my chest, not even a trace of sympathy. Instead, I thought to myself, if you’re so sad, why don’t you just die? You should go apologize to my father.

Now, it wasn’t just me waiting for an answer—Xie Yan was too. He had returned to his high seat at the center, his starlit eyes looking down upon the ant-like masses below. His white robes glistened under the moonlight, his jade-like face embodying the ethereal depth of a divine statue.

“Your Highness, Chou Yunqing’s attendant has arrived.”

“Let him in.”

When Huai Xin entered, he showed no fear in the face of imperial authority. Instead, he carried himself with grace and composure. As he passed by me, he cast a concerned glance in my direction. By then, I was at the end of my rope, and we were too far apart for any emotions to be conveyed through mere thought. I could only awkwardly lower my head, resignedly tracing the hidden patterns under my robe, embracing a resigned despair.

If exposed, I would perish together with Xie Yan.

[Author's Note]

Too tired, can only write this much for now. Everyone, please don’t dislike it. There will be another update later, along with a short skit.