Chapter 28 “Save Your Tears for Later”

Chapter 28: "Save Your Tears for Later"

Xie Yan held me in a crushing embrace, his strength overwhelming, his grip painfully tight. His expression was one I had never witnessed—dark, cold, and sinister, his grey eyes deep and turbulent, like a black sea devoid of life yet surging with hidden currents.

His iron-like arms forcefully trapped me, his fingers gripping my forearms so tightly it was as if he was desperately trying to hold onto slipping sand, or perhaps a precious treasure that was rightfully his but was now vanishing into thin air.

I didn't understand the reason for his sudden transformation, yet I could sense his profound insecurity and desperate need for my reassurance and comfort. So, I consciously relaxed my limbs, allowing him to hold me, nestling obediently in his arms. I felt like Mr. Dongguo from the fable, charmed by a wolf, utterly oblivious to the danger.

Confusion filled me regarding Xie Yan’s peculiar reaction. I longed to ask him why he spoke and acted this way, but an instinctive feeling told me he wouldn't reveal anything.

From what I knew of Xie Yan, his treatment of me, though differing in manner, ultimately mirrored my father’s approach. More often than not, Xie Yan regarded me as an ignorant child. He supervised my studies, calligraphy, and chess, forbade me from roaming the streets and causing trouble, and even restricted my conversations with others. If I exchanged more than a few words with someone, he would invariably give me a cold look.

In truth, I was more like a child he had adopted. Any disobedience was met with his icy glare. Though not my father, his strictness in monitoring and restraining me surpassed even my father’s.

No matter how thorny the issue, he never confided in me, choosing instead to bottle it up. His handsome face remained perpetually cold and frosty, etched with a worried frown. Even if I pressed him relentlessly, I would never receive a clear answer, as if he feared I might somehow jeopardize his plans.

And indeed, I possessed no remarkable abilities. Even if I knew the full story, I would likely only complicate matters. So, in such moments, despite my anger, I had learned to embrace silence and compliance.

Sometimes I resented my own foolishness, my lack of talent and capability, my inability to be of any help. But then I would reconsider, thinking perhaps my father and Xie Yan didn't need my assistance at all. Perhaps they simply wanted me to remain quiet and avoid trouble.

So, I dutifully patted Xie Yan’s back, softening my voice as if comforting a deeply anxious large dog. "I will believe in you. No matter what happens in the future, even if the sky falls, I will wait for you to come find me."

"Now that you are my husband, you naturally come first. Whatever you say, so it shall be. But seeing you like this, I am a little worried."

Though my words were sweet, my true thoughts were far from it. I was merely uttering pleasantries to appease Xie Yan.

For some inexplicable reason, despite the fervent love I felt for Xie Yan, that weighty affection contained not a single shred of trust. This was evident from the question I instinctively posed when he recounted the tale of his little dog.

I didn't trust Xie Yan, or perhaps, more accurately, I didn't believe I could make him fall for me enough to choose me over power and influence.

From our time together, I believed I had come to understand Xie Yan thoroughly. He was cold and dispassionate, aloof from worldly concerns, driven by the pursuit of power, and indifferent to all else.

He had ascended from being the son of a powerless courtesan to the esteemed position of Crown Prince, a journey undoubtedly paved with immense hardship and tears. How could I possibly expect him to abandon everything he had painstakingly built over years for me?

Even if one day I were to become a sacrifice for his ultimate power, I was mentally prepared.

If that day ever arrived, I would have no reason to hate him. After all, I was the one who willingly chose to love him. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t love me back, that he loved power more.

I couldn’t possibly demand equal reciprocation simply because I loved him with all my heart.

Love and affection were never meant to be transactions.

If I were to use my sincere devotion to manipulate Xie Yan’s affection, meticulously calculating and clearly defining the terms, then that love would become insincere and mercenary.

I didn't want that.

Only after receiving my promise did Xie Yan slowly loosen his grip. Though he still held me tightly, it was no longer the suffocating pressure from before.

I breathed a sigh of relief and looked up at him, only then noticing the bloodshot eyes, a result of his intense emotions. His face was pale, his expression uneasy, as he spoke again, "Since we are married, your father’s matters must come after mine."

"I want you to care more about me."

He spoke indirectly, yet I understood his underlying meaning: he wanted me to choose him over my father.

But how could I possibly do that? Not only was I incapable of it, I couldn't even bring myself to lie or coax him in that moment.

I gazed at the flicker of hope in Xie Yan’s calm grey eyes, then quickly averted my gaze, unable to meet his, and firmly shook my head.

"I can do everything else, but Father will always be the most important. After him, it’s you. Besides Father, you are the one I like the most."

Worried that Xie Yan would be displeased, I quickly leaned in to kiss the corner of his lips, coaxing softly, "I like you the most. I’ve even given you my body and shared all my secrets with you. Don’t you believe my sincerity?"

I cleverly sidestepped Xie Yan’s question, giving him an indirect answer. My choice had never wavered: between Xie Yan and Father, I chose Father.

Why couldn't I have both Xie Yan and Father?

Deep down, I felt Xie Yan’s question was unnecessary. I loved both of them dearly, and in the future, we would all live together harmoniously. Thinking this, my guilt towards Xie Yan lessened, and I began to paint a beautiful future before his eyes.

"Why must you always compare yourself to my father? In the future, we will always be together. My father will become your father too. Won't it be good for us to honor him together? Why must you always ask such questions?"

My words offered both of us a graceful exit, making my failure to choose Xie Yan seem less cruel, and his not being chosen less humiliating.

Xie Yan’s thin lips pressed into a tight line, as if carefully weighing my response. A flicker of loneliness crossed his cool phoenix eyes, his gaze as cold as winter’s swirling snow.

He pursed his lips and chose to yield. His cool fingertips cupped my face, his deep eyes seeming to peer into my very soul, like a bright lamp illuminating my deliberate evasion.

Xie Yan was never easily deceived. My seemingly complimentary yet subtly disparaging answer had undermined him, yet his face showed no anger. Instead, he displayed gentle tolerance, his long eyelashes fluttering, his eyes seemingly flowing with tender emotion.

I obtusely failed to grasp Xie Yan’s gaze, only hearing him sigh as if making a difficult decision. After a long silence, he said, "Since you have chosen your father, then promise me this: no matter what happens in the future, believe in me. No matter what, wait for me to come find you. Understand?"

I felt a pang of embarrassment. My clever disguise had been seen through by Xie Yan in an instant. Flustered, I could only nod. "I will believe you, I will love you, I will wait for you."

"Feng Jiuyue," Xie Yan stared intently at me, as if trying to discern the depth of my sincerity, to gauge how much truth lay in my words.

I could only adopt my most earnest and solemn demeanor to endure his scrutiny. His gaze was like the cold, vertical pupils of a venomous snake, scrutinizing me from head to toe, sending shivers down my spine.

He seized the back of my neck as if I were a pet, forcing me to meet his gaze. Those beautiful eyes held no impurity, only an overly serious stubbornness.

His cool fingertips gently stroked the side of my face, his voice low and carrying a strong warning. "If you deceive me, I will not let you off."

I knew this was his usual tactic of alternating firmness and gentleness. When he said such things, it usually meant he was reasonably satisfied with my answer. I had managed to get away with it.

I didn't dwell on his domineering and unpredictable demeanor. I merely feigned a serious nod, then nestled back into his arms, blushing as I reminded him, "Then when will you hold me tonight?" As soon as the words left my lips, my face flushed from cheeks to earlobes, and I secretly cursed myself for being so forward.

But it was Xie Yan. He was so handsome, and I liked him so much. Was it not perfectly normal to want to be close to him? Thinking this, I felt justified again and actively wrapped my arms around Xie Yan’s neck. As I moved, my sleeves slipped to my shoulders, revealing large expanses of fair skin on my arms.

Though I considered myself homely, my skin was naturally no less fair than Xie Yan’s, perhaps even a shade lighter. Xie Yan’s paleness was a cold, frosty white, while mine was more delicate, a rosy hue from fingertips to knees, like a young girl’s.

Xie Yan’s gaze followed my movements to my arms. Unbeknownst to me, moonlight had fallen upon my hands. He stared mesmerized at the shimmering light, his eyes growing deeper, his gaze fixed on my wrists like a wolf’s.

Seeing his intense gaze, I felt a tremor of fear. I recalled the illustrated manual I had seen before, where the person on the bottom, whether male or female, always looked to be in great pain. A sudden apprehension washed over me. This was my first time. What if the pain made me faint? How embarrassing would that be?

Xie Yan seemed to sense my hesitation. He seized my hands as I tried to pull away, binding both behind my back.

With my hands restrained, I unconsciously arched my body. The situation now was that I was sitting on Xie Yan’s lap, my hands bound behind me by his single hand, as if I had delivered myself into his grasp.

I felt utterly mortified, but Xie Yan wouldn't let me escape. Through the thin fabric of my clothes, he precisely bit my spring robe.

My eyes welled up with tears, my voice trembling as I pleaded, "Xie Yan, open your mouth. Don’t bite me, please."

Most of my sleepwear was lightweight, no thicker than gauze, and made of silk, making everything exceptionally difficult to bear. I struggled with my bound hands, writhing like a disobedient caterpillar, but it seemed more like a coy refusal.

Xie Yan did not release me. He seemed to relish my unconscious struggles, his tongue slowly tracing his clean white teeth, like an alpha wolf savoring a delicious meal.

With one hand, he restrained both my wrists, while the other casually controlled my waist, forcing me to sway gently. I was so angry I was on the verge of tears, my eyes burning with fury. Yet, he continued to hold me at his leisure, moving his hand back and forth, his eyebrows slightly raised, a faint curve on his lips.

Suddenly, he yanked my wrists back, forcing my neck to arch high. He buried his head, as if savoring some exquisite delicacy, and slowly said, "Let go? If you want me to let go, why did you throw yourself into my arms?"

Clearly! Clearly! He was pulling my wrists as if to break them, forcing me into that position, yet he was the one accusing me first!

My eyes turned red with rage. I glared at him fiercely, trying to convey my anger through my gaze.

But Xie Yan, seeing my expression, grew even more excited, biting and gnawing at me. I had never experienced such a thing, and tears of distress streamed down my face.

Although Xie Yan possessed a peculiar temperament, he absolutely could not bear to see me cry. Every time I wept, he would make some concession.

For instance, when he usually forced me to practice calligraphy, I would insist on taking a break to eat snacks or go out to play with the cats and dogs. He never allowed it, and in those moments, I would cry. Whenever he saw my tears, he would always grow particularly irritated, then kiss my eyelids, and then agree to my requests.

I was relying on his soft spot for me as I began to shed tears, but Xie Yan merely gave me a deep look, then suddenly leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Save your tears for later."

Xie Yan was indeed formidable; he had predicted my reactions perfectly. I did end up crying intensely, begging for him to stop, but Xie Yan was stone-hearted. After leaving me completely broken, body and soul, he still refused to let me go.

Through his actions, he showed me that he didn't mind that I was a monster, nor did he dislike my deformed and ugly body. Not only was he not repulsed, I even felt he was completely taken with it.

I had never seen Xie Yan in such a state before. He was always icy and detached, noble and refined, almost otherworldly, rarely showing such raw emotion. A fine sweat beaded on his forehead, dripping onto my brows. I gazed at his finely shaped eyebrows, deep phoenix eyes, sharp nose, and thin lips. My heart pounded wildly in my chest. Enduring the pain, I abruptly sat up and embraced him.

I clung tightly to his broad shoulders, feeling the knotted muscles beneath. Xie Yan appeared slender and scholarly in his robes, but now I knew the beast hidden beneath. My actions only made me suffer more, and I couldn't help but shed more tears.

Xie Yan looked at me with a helpless expression, as if puzzled why I would bring this suffering upon myself. With a bewildered yet doting look, he kissed my ear. He lifted me, allowing me to lean on his shoulder, his expression seeming to chide me for overestimating myself and enduring such hardship. His voice was slightly hoarse as he said, "Hold me tight."

I breathed lightly, my arms firmly encircling his neck. My head felt light from lack of oxygen, and my eyes gazed dazedly at the moon outside the window. It was about to dip below the cliffs, yet Xie Yan was still so full of energy. I didn't understand any of it, only feeling exhausted and on the verge of tears.

Midway through, my asthma flared up. Xie Yan had to stop, gently patting my back to help me breathe easier. With little air left in my lungs, he had to repeatedly help me breathe.

I knew stopping abruptly was unpleasant, especially when we were both in the thick of it, but my body was too weak to withstand such intensity. We had to pause and rest repeatedly. Even I felt frustrated, but Xie Yan remained focused.

He kissed me intently, held me tightly, his narrow phoenix eyes constantly watching my reactions. Even when he saw my monstrous body, his eyes showed not a hint of disgust.

What should I do? I really like Xie Yan.

He isn’t repulsed by me at all—not for my weak body, nor for being a monster. How can there be someone so good?

Thinking this, my tears kept flowing. Xie Yan had to pause to kiss my ear, asking in a low voice, "Uncomfortable?"

"Should we stop for tonight?"

He looked at me calmly. Though his words sounded reasonable, I could see no sign of letting up in his eyes. I could only shake my head at him. "No need."

I couldn’t help but bury my face in his chest, sniffling, enduring the physical discomfort, and said to him, "Xie Yan, I like you so much."

"Mm," Xie Yan kissed the top of my head, emphasizing again, "And you must trust me above all."

The night passed like this until dawn, when Xie Yan finally got up to dress. I was too sleepy to keep my eyes open, only catching a glimpse of the red marks on his back before they were covered by his robes. I realized my nails had gotten too long.

Once fully dressed, Xie Yan came to my bedside and lifted me from beneath the brocade quilt. His fingertips carried the coolness of early autumn as they touched my chin, his tone unconsciously tender. "Do you remember everything we said last night?"

I nodded, my voice still hoarse from crying, and mumbled, "I remember. I’ll wait for you, I’ll trust you."

"Mm." Xie Yan kissed the top of my head again, then moved to my lips, kissing them until they were swollen and red. I let out a soft gasp. His beautiful, light-colored eyes stared deeply into mine for a long time. Only when I couldn’t help but urge him to go did he leave through the window.

I couldn’t see him out by the window as usual. My entire body ached. Both Xie Yan and I were doing this for the first time, not knowing the ropes. I felt achy, swollen, and sticky all over, unable to sleep. I had to ask Xiao Man to fill the bathtub with hot water and change the sheets.

Xiao Man looked at the various stains on the sheets, looking uneasy. "Young master, these..."

I didn’t dare meet his eyes, putting on a stern face. "Just throw them away. Bring me a new set."

"Yes, yes, yes." Xiao Man, always good at reading the room, hurried out and soon returned with fresh bedding.

I instructed him carefully, "I’ll be resting today. Don’t bother me unless it’s important."

After Xiao Man left, I struggled out of the bathtub and stumbled back to bed on unsteady legs. I usually had Xiao Man help me bathe, but after Xie Yan found out, he became upset, so I had to change the habit.

But today, I was in too much discomfort to ask for Xiao Man’s help, as there wasn’t a clean spot on my body. Xie Yan was like a dog in human form, biting, gnawing, and licking me all over. If Xiao Man saw any of it, my father would likely come running immediately. I didn’t dare risk it.

During my bath, I only rinsed off hastily without thorough cleaning. Soon after, I developed a high fever, my head burning up. I realized I shouldn’t have let Xie Yan finish inside me, but it was too late.

Too weak to even think, I drifted in and out of sleep, waiting for Xiao Man to call me for meals so he would notice I was sick and fetch a doctor.

But instead of a doctor, I was met with bizarre dreams. I had fragmented dreams about my father, my mother, and Xie Yan.

The most terrifying dream was of my father being taken to the execution ground, the executioner’s blade swinging toward his neck. I tried to rush forward to stop it, but someone held me back firmly, preventing me from moving. In agony and despair, I watched my father’s head roll to my feet.

I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably, trembling as I held my father’s corpse. When I turned around, I saw that the person holding me back was Xie Yan.

He looked at me coldly, devoid of the affection and tenderness from the previous night, as if staring at a lifeless object.

"No, Father, wake up. Don’t leave Xiao Qiu." I clutched the bloodied head to my chest, crying until I was breathless, my sobs choking me.

I woke up in terror to find the afternoon sun shining brightly, its rays hitting my face warmly. My heart gradually calmed, but I noticed Xiao Man crying by the bedside.

Xiao Man had grown up with me and was usually steady, rarely crying like this. I quickly asked, "Xiao Man, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Young master! Young master!" Xiao Man practically threw himself into my arms, his face streaked with tears and snot.

"Today, the Crown Prince brought soldiers. He accused Lord Lin Rui and the master of forming factions for personal gain. They found evidence in the master’s study, and he was taken away."

"I just saw the imperial proclamation. The master is to be executed tomorrow at noon. Young master, what should we do?"

"Xie Yan?" I bit my lower lip hard, drawing blood, before continuing, "You’re saying the Crown Prince took my father away? On charges of conspiring with Lord Lin Rui?"

"Yes, I heard it clearly today. The Crown Prince also said the punishment wouldn’t extend to family, which is why you weren’t implicated."

"Heh." Tears instantly streamed down my face, falling onto the cut on my lip. I kept repeating Xie Yan’s name, "Xie Yan, Xie Yan, Xie Yan..."

So last night’s tenderness was just a convenient lie. Now I understand why you, usually so reserved, suddenly showed interest when Lord Lin Rui was mentioned.

I suddenly laughed, the mix of crying and laughter making me look ridiculous.

Xiao Man was startled, asking fearfully, "Young master, what’s wrong? The master was most worried about you. You can’t let anything happen to you."

"Can I go out?" I struggled to get up, ignoring the soreness and fever. "My father must have other old allies. I want to find them and see if we can come up with a plan."

"It’s no use, young master," Xiao Man shook his head. "The Crown Prince’s personal guards are everywhere outside. You won’t be able to leave the residence today."

"I don’t believe it. I need to see for myself."

I struggled out of bed but collapsed to the floor. Xiao Man hurried to help me up and led me to the door.

As soon as I opened it, I saw soldiers in armor. When they saw me, their faces showed awe, but they quickly averted their eyes and said, "Young Master Feng, please return to your room."

Xiao Man helped me back to bed. I stared blankly at the canopy above. Xiao Man opened his mouth, trying to say something, but I waved him off. "You may leave."

"Young master, call me if you need anything." Xiao Man left reluctantly, glancing back repeatedly, but I paid no attention.

The room still carried the lingering scent of last night’s recklessness. Xiao Man, blinded by grief, hadn’t noticed, but I could smell it clearly.

Remembering the events of the previous night, my throat felt sticky, and rage overwhelmed me. I vomited a mouthful of blood, my breath seized as if stolen by death itself, unable to draw any air into my chest.

I didn’t reach for my asthma medicine, lying still instead, waiting for the suffocation to consume me. My consciousness faded, and I even thought I might die in my sleep.

But I hadn't.

I awoke at dusk, staggering to the mirror. The reflection showed a face pale as a ghost, lips parched, yet my neck, wrists, and ankles were covered in bluish-purple bruises.

Xie Yan! He lied to me! He lied to me! He lied to me!

He had been lying to me all along!

I pushed the bronze mirror to the floor, stepping barefoot on the bare fragments, watching bright red blood spread beneath my feet. "Xie Yan, why did you deceive me? I'd rather you killed me!"

Why harm my father? Why not come after me? Did you think sparing my life would make me grateful?

Trust you?

Is this the price for trusting you?

Oh no, Xie Yan isn’t the one who killed my father—I am. I am the real monster.

If I hadn’t told Xie Yan about Uncle Lin’s situation, he wouldn’t have found that leverage.

I loathe Xie Yan. If he stood before me now, I would stab him until he was drenched in blood. But I despise myself even more. Why did I drink? Why did I get drunk and tell Xie Yan all those things?

It’s not my father who deserved to die—it’s me!

Why harm my father?

I am the one who should have died.

"Ah, Young Master, your feet are bleeding!"

Xiao Man heard the noise and pushed the door open, finding me standing barefoot on the shards, seemingly unaware.

I let him carefully bandage my wounds and watched as he gathered the broken pieces of the mirror. Suddenly, I spoke, "Xiao Man, come here."

"Xiao Man, under my bed is an embroidered box containing many banknotes and silver. When you leave the estate, take it all."

"There are also many worthless papers inside. Just burn them all."

"Young Master, I don’t want these. Please don’t scare Xiao Man. I’m easily scared and can’t bear any more shocks."

Xiao Man shook his head frantically, as if afraid I would say more ominous things, then hurried out.

The box actually contained love letters I had written to Xie Yan. Xiao Man couldn’t be relied on, but I still had myself.

I took out those letters and placed them on the desk, unable to bring myself to open them, as if I couldn’t face that ridiculous past.

My fever still hadn’t broken. Weak and sore, I lay in bed, tears streaming endlessly, my eyes swollen like walnuts. I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep, but my body, exhausted from being handled roughly all night by that man, grew heavy with drowsiness.

"Hah, you’re truly despicable, Feng Jiuyue," I murmured to myself.

What was Xie Yan thinking when he touched me? Was he laughing at me, like those others who mocked me for offering myself? Or was he forcing himself to act despite disgust? So, for the sake of a brilliant future, he would truly do anything.

My past suspicions had become reality. I wasn’t even worth as much as the dog he kept—at least Xie Yan had some genuine affection for it.

Amidst my tears and laughter, I eventually fell asleep.

I dreamed of my mother. She indeed looked very much like me, only more delicate and striking.

She wore a beautiful wisteria dress, her figure graceful, but her face was filled with hatred. She gripped my neck tightly, her eyes full of rage.

"You jinx, you killed me, and that’s enough. Now you’ve killed my husband too. What did I do wrong to give birth to a monster like you?"

"Die, just die, die!"

I didn’t struggle. Instead, a peaceful smile touched my lips as I tried to embrace her. "I’m sorry, Mother. I’ve missed you so much."

She didn’t release her grip. I felt my breath fading, but alas, it was only a dream.

It was my asthma acting up again. When I finally calmed down, I noticed it was almost noon.

I took a clean white robe from the wardrobe and put it on. My father once said I looked good in this, so perhaps wearing it to see him and apologize would make him forgive me sooner.

I combed my hair neatly, looking quite presentable. Satisfied, I removed my belt, threw it over the beam, and stepped onto a stool.

In my hand were the letters from the embroidered box. I tore them into pieces, watching them fall like petals, scattering on the ground like my trampled, worthless heart.

Standing on the stool, I gazed calmly at the distant mountains outside the window. I still remember when I was young, my father wasn’t as busy with work as he is now. He often took me hiking. I was young and frail, so halfway up, I would ask him to carry me on his back.

My father never refused. He carried me up those towering peaks and back down, his back drenched in sweat, while I slept soundly.

That was my father—the one I killed, my father.

The noon bell tolled heavily and urgently, piercing my heart like a sharp blade. I resolutely kicked the stool away and let my head fall into the noose.

Xie Yan, how I hate you!

***

My name is Feng Jiuyue, courtesy name Muqiu.

I died on the second day of my nineteenth year.

I am a monster who fell in love with a villain. I killed my mother at birth, and later, I killed my father.

I thought death would bring me relief, but when I opened my eyes after a long daze, I saw this world again.

The attendant before me showed surprise and said, "Young Master, you’re finally awake!"

His address reminded me of my attendant Xiao Man—simple-minded, always following me around, calling me "Young Master." But this person wasn’t Xiao Man.

A sharp pain shot through my forehead. Looking around, I realized the surroundings were indeed decorated in the style of Jiang State. I asked the man, "What year is it now?"

"Young Master, have you fallen and lost your mind?" The attendant stared at me wide-eyed, concernedly reaching to touch my forehead. I dodged, and he awkwardly said, "It’s the first year of the Great Jiang era."

The first year of the Great Jiang era—three years after my death.