Chapter 62 “In the End, I’m Still Alone”

Chapter 62: "In the End, I Am Still Alone"

The autumn rain in October fell incessantly, bringing a bone-chilling cold. The barren, solitary mountain offered no green trees for shelter from the wind and rain. The biting autumn wind, laden with fine rain, swept across the withered grass covering the hills. Swallows and sparrows flew side by side through the storm, weaving their way toward the rolling dark clouds.

I still wore the thin, spruce-colored robe of late autumn, clutching tightly to my father’s clothes and hat. I stood motionless on the desolate mountain, letting the fierce wind make my garments flap loudly, my head bowed as I stared blankly at the muddy ground below, like a clay figurine drenched in the storm.

Every patch of earth in this world has its mud, and being trampled upon seems their innate fate. Yet under such humiliating and unbearable pressure, they pliantly transform into any shape—never breaking, never giving up. Perhaps this is the silent resistance of the mud.

Thinking of it this way, they are much stronger than I.

I shivered violently from the cold, until a heavy fox-fur cloak was draped over me from behind. Only then did warmth begin to seep into my body, and my chattering lips finally stilled. An open oil-paper umbrella appeared above my head, and Huai Xin’s voice sounded leisurely from behind, "Young master, please step aside and rest. Leave the other matters to me."

"No need, I'll do it myself," I refused, tucking my father’s clothes under one arm and reaching out to take the shovel from Huai Xin. "Let me handle it."

"Young master, look how cold you are—your lips have turned purple from the chill. Please rest aside. Let Huai Xin help you with the rest. This kind of heavy labor is something I’m used to. How could someone as delicate as you handle such dirty, exhausting work?"

Huai Xin pleaded with me earnestly, gripping the shovel tightly and subtly evading my grasp. He took a few steps back and began to dig into the earth.

This was the spot I had chosen for my father’s memorial mound. This cold, lonely mountain, undisturbed by others, would allow my father to rest in peace. Down the mountain stood a dilapidated thatched hut where I planned to live, so I could often come up to speak with my father and ease my loneliness.

I knew Huai Xin only had my best interests at heart. He didn’t want me to overexert myself or suffer from the cold. Even today, when we ventured out, he was deeply worried, afraid I might fall ill again.

After returning from the imperial prison that day, I had been ill for several days, plagued by an unrelenting high fever. More terrifyingly, Feng Jiuyue’s wheezing condition attacked fiercely, leaving this body of Chou Yunqing's confined to bed.

When I woke from my coma a few days ago, I was shocked to realize three days had already passed.

Xie Xing had been thoroughly frightened by my condition. Huai Xin told me that during my coma, Xie Xing would find time to visit me daily. After I woke, whenever he was at the manor, he would watch over me, not allowing me to leave my bed, insisting that I delegate tasks to servants instead of doing them myself.

Though I felt helpless under his close watch, I couldn’t stop thinking about my father’s memorial mound. He had been executed and displayed publicly three years ago, his body and head separated. At that time, no one collected his remains, but now that I was here, I couldn’t let him wait any longer.

I had heard that if no grave is erected after death, the wandering soul would drift through the world, never entering the cycle of rebirth. Without offerings or sacrifices, the lost spirit would go hungry and endure bullying from evil ghosts.

The thought made me feel I couldn’t wait another moment.

Today happened to be the day Xie Xing was officially sealing the Crown Prince’s manor. He had left early in the morning, too busy to check on me. So I brought Huai Xin with me, and after much searching, we made our way here.

"Huai Xin, I know you mean well, but sometimes, there are things only I can do." Because I am my father’s son, only I can do this.

I didn’t voice the latter part, only looked seriously at Huai Xin and carefully handed him the clothes and hat in my arms before rolling up my sleeves.

Huai Xin didn’t take what I offered. Instead, his gaze fell distractedly on my exposed slender wrist. My skin is much paler than most, and after falling ill recently, the exposed flesh lost its rosy hue, taking on a sickly pallor.

Thinking my frail appearance had startled him, I reassured him, "I’m much better today. If you’re really worried, you can watch over me from the side."

Hearing this, Huai Xin blinked as if waking from a dream, awkwardly averting his eyes. He flustered as he took the items from me and handed me the shovel, reminding me, "Then please take it slow, young master. If you get tired, call for me."

He held my father’s clothes, standing behind me with the oil-paper umbrella, shielding my face from the rain.

I thrust the shovel deep into the ground, digging out large clumps of soil and piling them to the side. After just three repetitions, I began to gasp for breath. A thin layer of cold sweat covered my forehead, and my face flushed crimson from extreme discomfort. I could barely stand, nearly collapsing straight into the dug pit.

"Young master, are you alright?"

Fortunately, Huai Xin quickly supported me, preventing me from falling into the mud.

I waved my hand, wanting to continue, but found I had no strength left. The raging wheezing condition surged over me, and even simple breathing became a struggle.

This must be heaven’s punishment, I thought before losing consciousness. I cruelly hurt the one I deeply loved, and now heaven is punishing me.

When I woke, the first thing I saw was Huai Xin’s worried face.

Seeing me awake, he set aside his concern, grinning at me and complaining softly, "Young master, you really scared me. I almost took you back to the manor."

This meant we were still near that barren mountain.

I tightened the fox-fur cloak around me and slowly stepped out of the carriage to find it parked at the mountain’s base. Huai Xin decisively knelt in front of me, turning back to say, "Young master, climb on my back. I’ll carry you up."

I hesitated, my fingers curling nervously.

The climb from the foot to the top was not short. If Huai Xin carried me up, he would be exhausted, and I would feel guilty.

But before I could refuse, Huai Xin sensed my hesitation and knit his brows, persuading me, "Young master, Huai Xin is as strong as an ox. Even carrying two young masters up the mountain wouldn’t be a problem."

Seeing me still uncertain, he added, "Young master, if we delay further, it will be evening soon, and nothing will be accomplished today."

"I’m carrying you because I worry for your safety. What if you faint again and roll down the mountain?"

"Alright."

I stopped hesitating and let Huai Xin carry me slowly up the mountain. Since my rebirth, I’ve always been with Huai Xin. He is loyal and reliable, showing me endless patience and tenderness.

In my heart, I regard him as my brother—a strong, dependable older brother.

Huai Xin’s words made me understand. Since my health is poor, I shouldn’t cause him more trouble. I watched quietly as he dug a shallow pit, buried my father’s clothes and hat, piled a small mound over it, and placed the memorial stone I had prepared earlier upright on top.

After finishing, Huai Xin wiped the sweat from his forehead and turned to me, saying, "Young master, it’s all done."

"Thank you, Huai Xin." I bowed to him deeply and sincerely, wanting to express my gratitude, but he stopped me immediately.

Huai Xin’s face flushed red as he scratched his head, looking uncomfortable. "Young master, what are you doing? What I did were only small things. Your satisfaction is my greatest reward. If you keep this up, I’ll be too ashamed."

"Young master, I’ll wait for you over there. Take your time speaking with him. Call me when you’re done, no rush."

The "him" in Huai Xin’s words referred to my father. I’ve done many things, openly and secretly—good and bad, harming others and myself—but Huai Xin never questioned me, showing me the utmost tolerance. In my deepest grief, he allowed me to properly bid farewell to my father.

How have I deserved such a devoted friend?

Huai Xin’s footsteps faded into the distance until they disappeared completely. I turned my attention to my father’s memorial stone. The night was quiet, moonless but filled with brilliant stars, like countless loving eyes.

The flowing calligraphy on the memorial stone carried a faint, refined elegance. I closed my eyes, letting tears silently slide down my cheeks. My fingertips touched my father’s name, my throat choked with sorrow, voice hoarse. "Father, my handwriting is quite good now, isn’t it? You would surely praise me if you saw it."

"I remember our last meeting was on Mid-Autumn Festival night. You told me to be more mature and not take others’ words to heart. I didn’t pay attention then, only acting coquettishly and being willful and spoiled."

"Now, thinking back, I regret it deeply. I should have hugged you more, promised you I would live well, so you could leave in peace, unburdened."

"Father, I’m very mature and obedient now. Can you see me?"

"Can you see mother? Can you say hello to her for me?"

"Father, in the end, I am still alone."

"I miss you so much, Father."

I slowly knelt, trembling as I clung to the cold stone tablet, gently pressing my face against it, feeling the deep, penetrating chill. Firmly, I said, "Father, I have avenged you."

"You may rest in peace now."

Through tear-blurred eyes, I gently traced the sunken characters, hot tears falling like dropping petals, dampening the dark gray tombstone. I took out a handkerchief and softly wiped away the moisture before whispering quietly to my father.

"Father, there's an empty house at the foot of the mountain. I'll be living there from now on, so I can come up to keep you company every day."

I stayed until the moon emerged from the thick clouds, its moonlight illuminating the ground, before reluctantly leaving the mountain.

The descent was always easier than the ascent. Huai Xin and I took our time, stopping occasionally, until we finally neared the foot of the mountain.

"Young master, look—is that the Eighth Prince by the carriage?"

Huai Xin’s eyesight was better than mine, and he reminded me softly.

I peered over Huai Xin’s shoulder and indeed saw an exceptionally handsome youth pacing anxiously by the carriage, glancing around repeatedly. His tense expression relaxed only when he spotted me, waving his arm and calling out loudly, "Pretty brother, I’m here!"

The mountainside was so vast and quiet, and the echo of his voice lingered in the stillness, like ripples spreading across the deep sea.

Huai Xin set me down at the foot of the mountain. I felt somewhat uneasy, unsure of what to say. After all, Xie Xing and I had an agreement—I’d promised not to leave my bed, let alone the palace, until I fully recovered. Yet I had broken my promise and ended up in this awkward situation.

I thought Xie Xing had come to call me to account, but it didn’t seem that way. He rushed urgently to my side, his cold fingers gripping my hand, trembling a little. His beautiful face showed traces of lingering alarm as he spoke to me earnestly, "Pretty brother, I found something at the former Crown Prince’s residence. I think you need to see it."