Chapter 49 “This Is Between Him and Me”

Chapter 49: "This Is Between Him and Me"

When sober, I dared not voice these questions, fearing they would dishonor my father's memory, a betrayal of sorts. I had no right to forgive his killer on his behalf. To ask such questions felt like a foolish indulgence, akin to a prisoner driven by misguided affection, desperately concocting a thousand excuses for their executioner's cruelty—how utterly absurd and laughable.

Yet, now, emboldened by the surging tide of drunkenness, I blurted them out, feigning complete inebriation, devoid of any genuine emotion. As the words escaped my lips, I felt a fleeting release from the tangled knots of hatred and the bitter resentment of unrequited love.

I offered Xie Yan one final chance. If he could genuinely explain the past, tell me my father's death was unintentional, not his deliberate act, and if he would join me in seeking forgiveness at my father's grave—perhaps, just perhaps, I could relinquish my obsession with revenge.

If Xie Yan hadn't intentionally caused my father's death, if he would properly atone to my father, I would abandon my quest for vengeance. Though I would never be with him again, I would no longer live consumed by hatred. My future would be spent beside the solitary mountain where my father rested, until my own life withered away.

At this thought, my eyes misted over. With a sliver of lingering hope, I searched Xie Yan's face. He offered no reply to my question, only a deep, painful gaze that lingered on my face, as if seeing another through my very flesh. His eyes were tinged red, like a defeated beast weeping tears of blood. As my words faded, his gray pupils flickered with pain, regret, resentment, and fury, before these ineffable torments were extinguished by the harsh reality, transforming into a desolate, lifeless sea.

He opened his mouth, as if a thousand words were lodged in his throat, yet in an instant, they dissolved into an impenetrable silence. He simply watched me, still and silent, like a crumbling idol on the brink of collapse in a raging storm.

I waited and waited, for what felt like an eternity, until Xie Yan's faint whisper reached me: "This is between him and me."

In that instant, I was jolted awake as if by a funeral bell tolling in the dead of night. I couldn't help but laugh aloud. Yes, this was a matter solely between Xie Yan and Feng Jiuyue. What business did I have interfering?

I nearly lost control, wanting to lunge forward, to plunge a knife into Xie Yan's heart and see if it was truly black. I had loved him so much! So much! And what had I gained in return?!

Suddenly, everything I had just thought and done felt utterly ridiculous and shameless. How could I have foolishly imagined giving Xie Yan one last chance? Even more preposterous, how could I have deluded myself into thinking there was even a remote possibility of his innocence? Reality, however, struck me like a barrage of heavy blows, leaving me shattered and bruised.

Only a fool would plead with a wolf to retract its claws, hoping a villain would turn over a new leaf. I had been granted a second life, yet I remained as foolish and dim-witted as a pig.

Never again. I would never ask again, nor would I give Xie Yan another opportunity to hurt me. My earlier questions had already signified a betrayal of my father, and they had elicited not a shred of remorse from Xie Yan. I had endured enough deception and disappointment. From this day forward, I would not soften my heart toward Xie Yan, nor would I harbor any more unrealistic fantasies about him.

One day, in the name of Feng Jiuyue, I would make Xie Yan kneel and repent for the crimes he committed against my father.

Having spoken, Xie Yan rose and departed. His white robes fluttered gently in the night breeze as he walked, like an immortal gracefully gliding under the moonlight. As he passed, his wide sleeve inadvertently brushed my cheek, and I caught the familiar scent of cold fragrance—like pine wood beneath winter snow, or plum blossoms bravely blooming in the chill. His figure, gaunt and frail, moved through the evening wind, solitary as the last wandering spirit in the mortal realm, as if a mere gust could transform him into a wisp of smoke, slowly dissipating into dust.

I glared venomously at his receding figure for a long time, my fingers clutching the corner of my robe so tightly I almost tore it. The metallic taste of blood from my bitten lower lip filled my mouth. I extended my tongue, lightly drawing the blood from the corner of my lips into my mouth, and then, suddenly, I let out a chilling, bright laugh.

"Xie Yan," I whispered, "we have plenty of time ahead."

My words were instantly swallowed by the empty, desolate night, yet they etched themselves deeply into my heart.

The next day, as I finished dressing, Huai Xin pushed open the door and entered. The moment he saw me, his eyes widened in astonishment, and his mouth fell slightly agape. He rushed over to me, exclaiming excitedly, "Young master, why are you dressed like this today? Haven't you always disliked such flamboyant attire?"

Yes, Huai Xin was right. Qiu Yunqing was naturally discreet and disliked drawing attention, but I, Feng Jiuyue, loved it.

I sat before the bronze mirror, gazing at its hazy, ancient glow, like the slow passage of time. The reflection showed me in a lotus-root-colored cloud silk robe, intricately designed. The half-sleeves were tied with ribbons into gaudy butterfly patterns, and the collar was embossed with large, opulent wisteria flowers. The belt featured hazy purple patterns of swirling clouds, interwoven with delicate strands, making my waist appear impossibly slender and fragile.

As for my hair, I paid little attention to it, being unskilled in such matters. Previously, Xiao Man had always styled my hair. Knowing my love for beauty, he often studied various hairstyles and mastered many ways of dressing hair. Now, without Xiao Man, I was helpless. I turned to look at the bewildered Huai Xin, thinking he was too clumsy to help. So, I simply tied my dark hair loosely with a crimson ribbon and considered myself done.

As I was about to leave, Huai Xin looked hesitant, as if he had something to say but held back. I turned to him and said calmly, "If you have something to say, say it quickly."

"Young master," Huai Xin scratched his head, hesitating before finally speaking, "As a servant, I shouldn't meddle in your affairs, but I truly don't want you to get too close to the Crown Prince. He gives off a dangerous aura. Being near him is like being near a tiger—his temperament is so unpredictable. I sensed it when he questioned me last time."

Huai Xin's tone was sincere, almost pleading by the end. "Young master, let's return to Yuanzhou. Let's leave the capital, this den of trouble. Ever since we came here, I've felt uneasy for some reason, afraid something bad might happen to you."

I had always been grateful for Huai Xin's warmth and sincerity. Thinking about it now, what I planned to do might not succeed, and if it failed, Huai Xin might be unjustly implicated. So I said, "If you're afraid, I can arrange for someone to take you back to Yuanzhou."

"Huai—Huai Xin doesn't mean it that way," Huai Xin, seeing how serious I was, grew as flustered as an ant on a hot griddle. He knelt directly before me, his voice trembling with a sob, and said pitifully, "Young master, Huai Xin just feels that you haven't been happy since coming to the capital. Instead, you've been frowning every day. Huai Xin just doesn't want to see you sad or hurt. It's not that I'm afraid of trouble."

"I know you must have your own thoughts and plans, young master. But Huai Xin is just a humble servant, perhaps unable to ease your worries, and you're unwilling to share your burdens. But Huai Xin is no coward. This life of mine was saved by you, young master. I am willing to go through fire and water for you, to brave any danger without hesitation, if you command it."

"If that is the case, then wait for my return. There will be tasks for you then."

I left these words lightly and stepped out the door.

I had dressed so meticulously today simply to vex Xie Yan. Leaving a little earlier would prolong his discomfort. How could I squander such a prime opportunity?

With this thought, everything in the garden seemed more pleasing to the eye. I quickened my pace, hurrying toward the study.

But when I reached the study, there was no sign of Xie Yan. I wondered—Xie Yan was always dedicated to his duties. He would rise at the first crow of the rooster, wash up, and then work in the study all day. Unless he was out, he could usually be found there.

"Young Master Qiu, are you looking for the Crown Prince?" the steward happened to pass by and asked with a smile.

When I nodded, he pointed toward the pavilion. "The Crown Prince is over there in the pavilion."

I acknowledged and headed toward the pavilion. Just as I was about to reach it, I saw Xie Yan sitting on a jade stool in the middle of the pavilion, affecting to play the zither. His back was to me, so he didn't notice my arrival. I smirked inwardly and quickened my pace.

I've never been one to pay attention to where I was walking, so I didn't notice the movement underfoot until I heard two barks—"Woof! Woof!"—and was knocked to the ground by a huge beast.

"Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!" A torrent of barks erupted in my ears, accompanied by the sound of a tongue licking my face.

The giant dog held me down, frantically licking my cheeks. Its white fur fluffed up in the wind, its head nuzzling close to me, its tail wagging so hard it seemed about to take flight. This was a dog's way of showing extreme affection—unable to speak, it could only bark and wag its tail to express its joy and happiness.

Pinned down by the dog's paws, my face was wet with slobber, my robes stained with mud from the ground, a complete mess. Even my loosely tied black hair had come undone, falling disheveled on either side.

In the midst of the dog's frantic licking, I barely managed to open my eyes and see its true appearance.

It looked so much like Little White—round black eyes, perky triangular ears, fluffy white fur, and a smiling curve to its mouth. I almost mistook it for Little White himself.

But Little White couldn't possibly be here. He must have met his end during the raid. Besides, this dog was fat! My Little White couldn't be this fat—it was twice his size. That's why I couldn't break free.

I remembered how, when I trained Little White, I never let him eat too much, afraid he'd become as round as this dog. What kind of owner would spoil a dog like this, letting it eat so much? It was unbelievable—hadn't they noticed it was as fat as a pig?!

"Little White, get up."

Xie Yan's voice, cold and detached, came from above me. The dog on top of me twitched its ears and reluctantly got off, whining pitifully.

Freed, I stumbled to my feet, completely disheveled. I didn't even care how Xie Yan saw me and blurted out, "You—you said its name is Little White?"

"Mm."

Xie Yan responded indifferently and turned to walk toward the pavilion. Little White looked back at me reluctantly as it followed behind Xie Yan, its tail drooping and wagging less enthusiastically than before, its dark eyes filled with disappointment.

Little White, Little White—was this really my Little White? I hurried after them.

Xie Yan sat leisurely in the pavilion, and the large dog circled around him, occasionally nuzzling Xie Yan's slender fingers and making whimpering, almost crying sounds.

Was this really my Little White?

I wanted to ask but was afraid of exposing myself. In my discomfort, I didn't even know what to do with my hands and feet.

It was Xie Yan who spoke first, though not to me. He lowered his head, his pale fingers stroking the dog's fluffy head, his distant expression finally revealing a faint trace of loneliness. His lips parted slightly, as if speaking to Little White or to himself. The words were soft, but I caught them.

Xie Yan said, "It's not him."