Chapter 84 “Is Xie Yan Dead”

Chapter 84 "Is Xie Yan Dead?"

After that day, Xie Yan treated me even better.

He was naturally aloof, calm, and reserved, and two years my senior. His deliberate forbearance and gentle accommodation often made me feel as if I were falling into a saccharine dream, leaving me quite overwhelmed and flattered.

During the day, I would go to his study to grind ink and prepare tea, doing whatever small tasks I could manage. The chattering generals in the study seemed to have been specially vetted—no one like Lei Laohu appeared again—which made me feel very comfortable. I ended up sticking close to Xie Yan in the study for all three meals, and at night, we slept together in the loft.

But Xie Yan was sly. If I was still awake, he would hold me on his lap until I fell asleep, then stealthily climb onto the bed to sleep beside me. Or, if he was handling official business too late and I was already asleep when he returned, he would sneak up and hold me from behind.

Every morning, Xie Yan always woke up much earlier than I did. He moved very quietly; even his washing-up sounds didn't wake me, so I never saw him get out of bed.

Even a fool would sense that something was amiss after spending so much time together. I was full of confusion, but then I realized: I had truly never seen Xie Yan get up from that wheelchair. Perhaps he found it too embarrassing and didn’t want me to see, preferring to miss those moments of closeness to fiercely protect the dignity he had left.

Xie Yan must care deeply about his shattered legs. Though he pretended not to mind in front of me, these excessive, cumbersome actions only highlighted his concern. And every time we conflicted, his self-deprecating remarks—calling himself a cripple—were likely just harsh words to mask his inner unease.

As someone who’s been through similar, I understood. When I was young, I didn’t realize I was different from other boys until they roughly pulled down my pants and I horrifyingly discovered I was a monster.

And all those times I called myself a monster, I never truly accepted that identity. I utterly despised having such a deformed and abnormal body, yet I longed for someone to truly accept it—to accept me, the monster.

Xie Yan must feel the same way.

When he uttered those self-injuring words, what he craved wasn’t mockery, sympathy, or pity—just like me, he needed genuine acceptance and recognition.

Even a monster, even a cripple, yearns for equal respect and love. It’s a desire to be treated as an equal.

It’s all my fault. I was foolish and made a mistake that reduced Xie Yan to this state, like a perfect jade Buddha with its arms broken off. I truly understood my sin and never gave up on making amends, gradually accepting Xie Yan’s twisted pride. I stopped foolishly pressing like an idiot; if Xie Yan didn’t want me to see his vulnerability, I’d avoid looking.

I stopped insisting, realizing how unreasonable, spoiled, and childish I’d been before. When I didn’t get comforted, I’d act like a child denied candy, making a fuss to attract attention. Xie Yan was merciful enough not to tie me up and beat me; that was mercy enough.

Xie Yan might not care about his injured legs, but I had no right to be so composed. After all, the wrongdoing started with me—I couldn’t just brush it aside. I never gave up on trying to heal Xie Yan’s legs.

With that in mind, I went to see the army doctor.

The doctor happened to be free, so I asked about the Crown Prince’s injury. “Doctor, is there any chance the Crown Prince’s legs can heal completely?”

“Ah, well,” the elderly doctor’s face showed trouble and perplexity. He stroked his beard, frowning. “The Crown Prince never let me examine his legs, so I don’t know the specific condition or if they can still be treated.”

I carefully recalled the incident and asked, “If the kneecap was shattered, could it be re-set?”

“Hmm,” the doctor pondered at length before shaking his head. “It’s hard to say. Without examining the broken bones, it’s difficult to judge. Sometimes re-setting works, but if the bones are pulverized, then it’s beyond medical help.”

“Unless the legendary physician Hua Tuo were reborn. I’ve practiced medicine for years but lack the skill for such cases. If it’s truly that bad, young master, you might need to seek help elsewhere.”

My heart sank. Guilt, regret, self-blame, and pain surged up, leaving my mind blank and my chest aching as if crushed by a huge rock. The fact that Xie Yan might never stand again was unbearable. What to do? What to do? What to do? It wasn’t that I couldn’t accept Xie Yan like this—I couldn’t accept that someone so arrogant and proud-natured would suffer such pain for life. Just thinking about it made my heart ache intensely for him. He was so proud; if he could never stand again...

I didn’t dare think further, feeling utterly damned.

Yet amidst this pain, I remembered Xie Yan’s flustered fingertips and the tears on his fluttering lashes during my asthma attack, and suddenly felt endless courage—the kind that refuses to yield or retreat to protect something precious.

Feng Jiuyue, you can’t be this fragile. You’re not a child anymore. You can’t keep wallowing in self-pity or stagnating. You can’t escape many things anymore. If Xie Yan’s legs really can’t heal, what will you do? You must prepare for the worst. Even if Xie Yan can’t hold on, you must accompany him through the rest of his journey.

Yes, I cannot fall.

I am a sinner, but I can’t give up any chance. Maybe Xie Yan’s condition isn’t that severe? Maybe with treatment, he’ll recover? The future is unknown.

Feng Jiuyue, don’t retreat or be so cowardly. No matter what, you must become strong. You can’t always have Xie Yan protecting and accommodating you. You must be brave and strong too, to become his support in the future. Even if he never stands again, you can be his most useful crutch.

But despite saying this, my tears kept falling, soaking the front of my robe, and I unconsciously bit my fingers until they were wounded.

“Young master, don’t cry.”

The doctor sighed deeply, his cloudy, aged eyes looking at me kindly, his words gentle and advisory.

“The Crown Prince avoids medical treatment—a common psychological reaction, especially for someone so proud and strong. His resistance to facing his condition is even stronger. But as someone close to him, you can’t let him passively deal with this. You must persuade him to accept treatment.”

“Even if there’s ultimately no way to heal, the post-injury care and therapeutic manipulation must be done daily. Otherwise, the future pain won’t be simple.”

Seeing my confused look, he explained carefully: “When someone breaks their legs, especially at the knees—a very fragile area—the bones ache terribly in cold, damp weather. Also, if the legs aren’t used long-term, the muscles atrophy severely. Daily therapeutic manipulation is needed to make the patient more comfortable.”

Yes, I cannot fall.

I cannot remain fragile. Xie Yan needs me.

I hastily wiped my tears, forced a smile, and pressed, “Doctor, I’ll find a way to bring the Crown Prince here. But how do I perform these therapeutic manipulations? Can you teach me?”

The doctor looked me up and down and sighed. “Young master, your body is too weak. You probably can’t handle such strenuous work. Let someone else learn.”

I knew Xie Yan wouldn’t allow others to touch his injured legs, so I pleaded earnestly, “It’s okay, I can learn. Don’t judge by my appearance—I’m quite strong. I can do it.”

“Young master, let someone else learn.” The doctor clearly doubted my capabilities, but I had no choice. Then I had an idea: “I’ll have my servant learn, okay?”

The doctor reluctantly agreed.

I had the servant go daily to learn, recording all the key points on paper to teach me later.

The weather had been good lately—not yet the damp cold of winter, with few rainy days, consistently clear skies. I felt more at ease, shortening my time in the study each day, studying the rehabilitation notes and practicing therapeutic manipulation techniques, while pondering how to broach the subject with Xie Yan about seeing the doctor for his legs.

“What are you thinking about?” Xie Yan set down his brush, his long fingers wrapping around my waist from behind, intending to pull me onto his lap. I flusteredly stepped back, my resistance clear on my face.

The doctor said someone in Xie Yan’s condition shouldn’t have me sitting on his lap—the weight would be a heavy burden on his shattered legs, unfavorable to his future rehabilitation.

But Xie Yan didn’t see it that way. He always loved holding me, whether before or after his legs were broken. Whenever we were together, if he wasn’t working, he’d invariably keep me on his lap. He seemed to cherish such closeness, and if I showed even slight rejection, he’d become very angry.

Like now—he was clearly angry, his pale gray eyes dark, thin lips pressed tightly, sword-like brows furrowed, his pale fingers tapping impatiently on the wheelchair armrest. His voice was cold and hard, full of deterrent power. “Come here.”

Knowing he responded better to coaxing than to force, I lowered my head and walked to his side, my leg brushing against his restless long legs.

Seeing me so obedient, his hostility lessened. He merely snorted, then domineeringly wrapped his long arms around my waist, easily lifting me to place me on his lap. Worried about damaging his legs, I had to straddle the chair, shifting the weight to the armrests.

But this position was embarrassing, like a coquette’s feigning resistance while actually welcoming trick. We rarely embraced like this normally; Xie Yan usually held me like a child. Yet this posture pleased Xie Yan greatly. His nose brushed my ear as he chuckled lowly, his magnetic voice with a deep breathy quality, like spring wildfire, his sharp canine teeth nibbling my ear.

I could only slightly dodge, burying my face in his neck, inhaling deeply to capture Xie Yan’s faint pine scent in my chest, secretly cheering myself on. My voice was soft as a whisper, ingratiatingly saying, “Xie Yan, you shouldn’t always have me on your lap. I’m afraid your legs will hurt.”

“Meddlesome.” Xie Yan didn’t appreciate my concern. His cool palm rubbed my slender back, lingering intentionally at my lower back, kneading me like dough. My face flushed red enough to boil an egg, ears burning, knowing Xie Yan wasn’t taking my words seriously—only scheming how to take advantage. I felt discouraged but soon rallied, my heart racing as I pried open Xie Yan’s arms. Under his indulgent, expectant gaze, I slowly settled kneeling at his feet, my heated cheeks gently rubbing his legs like a cat seeking affection.

Xie Yan didn’t stop me but leaned back against the wheelchair, watching me leisurely. Today he was dressed simply yet elegantly in a plain white brocade robe, no jade at his waist but a simple deep lavender sachet. The scent of roses from the sachet mixed with his faint cool scent, combined with his aloof features, left me utterly mesmerized, lost in time.

I had to offer some sweetness first to make things go smoothly. Maybe if Xie Yan was happy, he’d agree. Thinking this, I worked harder, tilting my head up to stare directly at Xie Yan’s restrained and tense expression. Making an immortal-like figure like him stained by worldly, base desires was a unique honor for me.

The incense in the corner burned through a full section before I suddenly coughed, tears welling in my red eyes, fingers hastily wiping my dirty cheeks. Only then did Xie Yan reach out to comfort me, his long fingers grazing my cheek, gently rubbing like rewarding an obedient, eager cat, his satisfied expression unconsciously doting.

Looking down at me like this, someone with light eyes and thin lips might seem cold and unfeeling, but Xie Yan didn’t. His phoenix eyes slightly upturned, lips curving in a faint smile, he resembled a jade Buddha willingly tainted by worldly matters.

“Xie Yan, can I discuss something with you?”

I remained on the floor—I’d been spending so much time in this study lately that a thick carpet was laid down, so sitting there wasn’t cold or hard.

“Speak.” Xie Yan was always in a good mood after being close, and exceptionally more amenable.

I leaned half my body over Xie Yan’s legs, hesitating repeatedly before cautiously asking, "Xie Yan, can I have the military doctor come to examine your leg?"

The moment the words fell, the entire world fell into silence.

The sunlight from outside the window cast heavy shadows on half of Xie Yan's face. One side of him was bathed in brilliant sunlight, while the other was shrouded in the gloom of dark clouds, beautiful like a demon or an immortal, both righteous and wicked.

The curve at the corner of his lips hadn't yet faded but instantly twisted into a mocking sneer. The light color of his pupils sharpened into the vertical slits of a venomous snake. He looked at me coldly, as if regarding some filthy, vulgar thing, his tone icy and merciless, "What, starting to look down on me for being a cripple again?"

"Hah, no wonder you didn't want me to carry you earlier."

"That's not what I meant." I straightened up anxiously, gripping his arm nervously, trying hard to explain, "I just think your leg needs to be examined. If you let the military doctor take a look, maybe it can get better."

"And after it gets better?"

Xie Yan's eyes were so unfamiliar, as if he had never known me, or as if he utterly despised me. He gripped my jaw tightly, with such force that I feared the bone might shatter. Tears of pain streamed down my face, and my body trembled from the agony, yet I couldn't break free, only managing to let out whimpering cries.

"After it gets better?" Xie Yan leaned down slightly, sank his teeth into my ear fiercely like a mad dog that had lost its reason, his voice sinister in my ear, "After it gets better, will you feel justified in leaving me? Isn't that what you're thinking?"

I knew Xie Yan was very sensitive now, just as I feared he would disdain me for being a monster. This was normal; I was too impatient. I didn't dare move recklessly, only wrapping both arms around his neck, holding him with all my strength, enduring the pain in my ear, anxiously and earnestly explaining, "No, I won't leave. I'll stay with you always. I won't go away. Don't be afraid, but we can't give up hope. What if it can really be cured?"

But Xie Yan didn't listen. He was like a beast whose wounds had been torn open and humiliated, where love and care could no longer bind him. All he wanted now was to use cutting words and rough violence to destroy the one who had brought him pain and shame.

He shoved me away harshly, watching coldly as I fell to the ground. His gray eyes were as cold as millennia-old snow on a high mountain, and as his thin lips parted, they emitted an icy, distant aloofness, "Get out."

"Xie Yan." I struggled to stand up, disheveled, my tailbone aching terribly from the fall. Tears fell pattering down, soaking the expensive carpet into strands, as I whined pitifully, "You pushed me again. My butt hurts so much from the fall. Come hold me."

But my deliberate weakness didn't soften Xie Yan's attitude. He looked at me coldly, and after a moment, he stabbed at me with his words, "I'm crippled; I can't hold you. Go find one of your blind admirers to hold you."

Xie Yan was so cruel.

But it was all my fault.

Sobbing, I stood up, coaxing him as I always did, begging for his embrace, but he maneuvered his wheelchair to turn away. No matter how I pleaded, he refused to look at me again.

Later, I was dragged out of the study by soldiers, as I made a scene.

Xie Yan ignored me. Without his permission, I couldn't step into his study, so for several days, I couldn't see him. No matter what means I used, he paid no attention.

I was so anxious I couldn't sleep at night. The milk tea I’d prepared for him and sent in during the day was always returned. I tried writing apology letters to Xie Yan, but the soldiers at the door told me His Highness the Crown Prince forbade them from delivering anything from me.

What should I do?

Will Xie Yan never see me again in this lifetime?

Was what I did wrong? Maybe Xie Yan doesn't want to stand up at all. Am I too terrible? Did I not consider Xie Yan's feelings? Will Xie Yan ever forgive me? When can I see him again? I would never dare suggest seeing the doctor about his leg anymore, but I truly never disdained him. I just thought if his legs could be healed, Xie Yan would be happy again.

I just wanted to make Xie Yan a little happier.

But I still messed up.

All day, I thought about how to reconcile with Xie Yan. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep well, lost a lot of weight, had dark circles under my eyes, and looked listless and drained. Even the military doctor, seeing me like this, discreetly asked if I needed some herbal tonic.

That night, well past midnight, all the candles in the room were extinguished, but I still had no desire to sleep. I tossed and turned in bed, eyes wide open, sighing in frustration but still failing to come up with a brilliant way to apologize to Xie Yan.

In the dead of night, one's senses always become particularly sharp. For instance, amidst my restless movements, my nose suddenly caught the smell of burning, and I heard the sound of frantic footsteps growing closer.

"Young master, young master." The servant's frantic voice came with urgent, loud knocking on the door. I hastily threw on a robe and went to the door. As soon as I opened it, I saw the servant's terrified expression, his face and clothes stained with blood, part of his hair burned, stammering as he said, "Young master, it's dangerous. Come with me."

Before I could process what was happening, I was dragged by the servant, running through the halls. The strong smell of blood and the blazing heat washed over my face. Every few steps, there was a body of a gruesomely slain soldier—all soldiers who’d once greeted me warmly. Yet, in just one night, they had become lifeless corpses, their voices and smiles gone to the afterlife with the roaring flames and cold blades.

"Young master, don't space out, come with me quickly." Seeing my momentary hesitation, the attendant grabbed me forcefully, trying to drag me away.

I stared at the distant gray-brown building engulfed in flames, my heart stopped. That was Xie Yan's study. I desperately grabbed the attendant's shoulders, unable to control my trembling. "Where is Xie Yan? Where is he? Is he still in the study?"

"No, I have to go find Xie Yan. His legs are bad—he can't run properly. He won't be able to escape. I have to save him." I muttered these words, then shook off the attendant's hand and charged toward the burning building.

Xie Yan, please be safe. You must be safe.

The entire building was engulfed in flames. Countless charred beams and supporting crossbeams collapsed in an instant. Just as I reached the front of the building, the flames burned through its last support, and the entire gray-brown structure crumbled before my eyes.

"No!!!"

"Xie Yan! Xie Yan! Xie Yan!"

I let out a sharp, piercing scream, clutching my head, then gritted my teeth against the searing pain in my chest and rushed toward the pile of rubble. The attendant behind me grabbed me tightly, preventing me from approaching the raging flames.

"Let me go! Let me go! I have to save Xie Yan!" I roared like a hysterical beast, shouting at the attendant and swinging my clenched fist.

The attendant barely dodged my punch and urgently said, "Young master, come with me first. His Highness Xie Yan will be fine. Please come with me. The building has already collapsed. Going there now won't help."

But I couldn't listen. My face was streaked with tears and mucus as I cried out, "It will help! Xie Yan will be fine. Don't talk nonsense!"

"Alright, alright. His Highness Xie Yan is blessed and will be fine. Young master, come with me." The attendant's voice was gentle, but my ears were buzzing, and I couldn't hear anything. I didn't care about anything else, but the attendant suddenly pushed me away. Caught off guard, I fell to the ground, my eyes losing their focus at the sight before me.

The attendant's body was impaled by a large cleaver. The man who killed him had a fierce expression, tall and hulking, holding a bloody cleaver as he approached me step by step. Blood—my face was covered in blood, the attendant's blood. He was dead. Just a second ago, he was comforting me, but now he was a cold corpse, no longer breathing.

Xie Yan, are you still alive?

Xie Yan, are you dead?

If you're dead too, then there's no reason for me to live either.

The burly man stepped closer, his fierce eyes fixed on me as if enjoying my panicked expression. In that fleeting moment, I suddenly remembered someone and blurted out, "You're Lei Laohu's subordinate."

"Correct." The man showed no panic at being exposed. Instead, he raised his cleaver high and said coldly, "I'm here today to avenge our Lei Laohu."

"Where is Xie Yan? Is he dead?" How absurd—at a time like this, I was asking a murderer about Xie Yan's whereabouts.

"Heh, burned to ashes. Do you think he could still be alive?" The man let out a grating laugh, like a devil from hell mocking my delusion.

If I can die with Xie Yan, that would be a kind of happiness too.

I curled my fingers, grabbed a handful of sand, and threw it at the man. He was caught off guard, and his eyes were momentarily blinded. Seizing the opportunity, I dashed toward the flames like a moth to flame.

But halfway there, I was stopped. It was the scar-faced soldier from Xie Yan's study, the one who had once shown me kindness. He lifted me onto his shoulder and said in a steady, solemn voice, "His Highness Xie Yan is safe. He sent me to retrieve you."

"My apologies for being late and letting you be frightened."

I gave up struggling and let him carry me to a carriage outside the city. Only when I saw Xie Yan, without a scratch on him, did my tense nerves finally relax. Tears gushed from my eyes, and I flung myself into Xie Yan's open arms like a weary bird finally returning to its nest.

Xie Yan rubbed my back, calming me down, and only then did I notice that his whole body was trembling slightly, his eyes red and bloodshot.

It turns out I wasn't the only one afraid of losing someone.