Chapter 33 “I Miss You So Much”

Chapter 33 "I Miss You So Much"

I once believed that only three short years separated Xie Yan and me—a span insufficient to transform a heartless, unfeeling villain.

But now, as we stand across from each other in the moonlight, I suddenly realize that reality is far from the placid image I had conjured.

Three years have subtly, yet profoundly, altered many things.

Xie Yan has changed so dramatically from the man he was three years ago that I barely recognize him.

The moonlight, cold and pale, falls upon him. He wears no formal headwear; his dark hair cascades loosely to the ground. Though it is an autumn night, cool as water, he is clad only in a thin inner robe, his figure solitary and gaunt as he leans against the high wall.

His slender fingers cradle a wine bottle, the overflowing liquid tracing a path down his neck, dampening his collar. In this moment, he resembles a fallen immortal, banished to the mortal realm for succumbing to its allure—ethereal yet imbued with a profound sense of decay.

Three years ago, what captivated me most about Xie Yan was his refined, ethereal beauty—as gentle as jade, skin fairer than snow, his white robes fluttering around him like a serene, emotionless jade Buddha. Day and night, I plotted how to shatter his path of asceticism, to make this pure, desireless being deeply infatuated with me. I wanted to be in his eyes, and more importantly, in his heart.

But now, he seems more like an alluring demon cast into an endless abyss, struggling desperately in a purgatory of boundless despair, his brow etched with exhaustion and despondency.

He is no longer the Xie Yan of three years ago. When would the former Xie Yan ever have appeared so despondent?

He never used to enjoy drinking; even moments of inebriation were exceedingly rare. He was always composed, self-possessed, and strategic, as if nothing could ever sway his judgment.

So what is he doing now? Who is he performing for in the dead of night? Witnessing his demeanor, I feel no pity, only that he is overly fond of theatrics; even his drunken state seems like an act. Who is this performance for?

While Xie Yan was slender and tall three years ago, he was never this emaciated. Now, he looks like a sickly wraith who hasn't eaten in days, living solely on alcohol.

His face is pallid, devoid of color, with dark circles beneath his eyes. His thin lips glisten with wine, and his gray pupils are lifeless, like extinguished lamps.

As he lifts his hand, his white robe shifts, revealing shockingly thin arms with protruding veins and sparse flesh. He appears less human and more like a skeletal frame.

Has Xie Yan not eaten for three years? I feel puzzled but harbor no sympathy for his plight; instead, there's a faint, almost gleeful schadenfreude.

If he were to develop anorexia, that would be even better. He deserves all of this.

With this thought, I prepared to turn and leave without a second thought. But just as I moved, Xie Yan suddenly spoke to me.

His gaze was fixed on me, as if speaking directly to me, yet also as if muttering to the empty air.

His voice was hoarse, thick with profound disappointment and sorrow, "You've come to see me again?"

"You haven't visited me in so long." He set down the wine bottle and slowly walked toward me.

His expression was calm, as if encountering someone who had died three years ago was no great matter.

Instinctively, I wanted to flee, my feet unconsciously retreating a few steps. But Xie Yan pressed forward, relentlessly closing the distance. His eyes were no longer clear; a thin mist clouded his gray pupils as he extended his arms and gently embraced me.

The embrace was light as a feather, as if he feared crushing me, yet heavy as a mountain, as if he feared I would vanish into a wisp of smoke.

I tried to pull away, to break free from Xie Yan's embrace, but then I heard his long, deep sigh. "Three years... You come to me in my dreams every time, yet I've never been able to hold you."

What three years? What dreams?

I didn't understand. I just wanted to push him away, but then my body suddenly stiffened.

Xie Yan is much taller than me, making our embrace incredibly awkward. Though he towers over me, he insisted on resting his head on my shoulder, a posture of extreme dependence and fear.

What utterly astonished me was the sudden dampness on my shoulder, with water droplets continuously falling upon it.

Xie Yan seemed to be raining tears on my shoulder.

He kept rubbing his head against my shoulder and neck, much like a dog desperately pleading for comfort after being abandoned by its owner for a long time. If he hadn't been silent, I would have thought he was Little White, the pup I raised three years ago.

I still hadn't given up the fantasy of pushing this person away, but what greatly displeased me was that despite how much weight Xie Yan had lost, his brute strength was undiminished from years past.

His arms were locked around my waist, his head resting on my shoulder, almost his entire weight bearing down on me. My small frame couldn't possibly support it, and I could only barely steady myself by relying on his grip around my waist.

Xie Yan seemed lost in his own world, truly believing this was a dream, and began to weep unrestrainedly, drenching half of my shoulder.

Once, a single glance from Xie Yan could make my heart race. But now, as he held me and cried, I felt nothing.

Perhaps this is what it means to no longer love.

If I no longer loved him, even if Xie Yan died before my eyes, I could step over his corpse without a flicker of emotion. Of course, it would be even better if I were the one to take his life.

Unfortunately, I currently had no suitable weapon, and I even discovered that I couldn't defeat a Xie Yan who was drunk into a stupor. This greatly disappointed me. Left with no choice, I could only stare blankly at a distant lantern, watching it sway erratically in the night wind, silently wishing Xie Yan would release me.

But after waiting for a long time, my wish remained unfulfilled. Instead, Xie Yan's kiss arrived.

He suddenly lifted his head from my shoulder, his phoenix eyes gazing deeply into mine. The tips of his ears were flushed crimson from drunkenness, his gaze like a blazing fire as he said, "I miss you so much."

I had no desire to ponder which beauty he was pining for, and I was utterly uninterested.

If this were in the past, I would surely have been consumed by jealousy, subtly probing him with questions like, "Who are you thinking of?" "Who do you like the most?" "Do you like Feng Jiuyue?"

But now, I just wanted him to get off me. I raised my hand to block his approaching lips.

"Can't I kiss you?"

Perhaps numbed by alcohol, or convinced he was dreaming, Xie Yan's reaction was peculiar.

He didn't forcefully grip my chin as he used to, compelling me to accept his kiss. Instead, he seemed afraid of offending me. His long, thick eyelashes lowered, concealing the disappointment in his gray eyes, and his voice held a hint of humility, "I won't kiss you. Don't be angry, and don't leave."

Though his words were meant to appease me, his tongue was far from obedient. Like a dog unable to resist temptation, he gently licked my palm until it was thoroughly wet, then finally lifted his eyelids to look at me, his pupils trembling slightly, as if fearing my reprimand.

I had never encountered this version of Xie Yan before, and for a moment, I was at a loss for words.

Seeing my cold, silent face, Xie Yan lowered his gaze again, looking somewhat aggrieved, as if he had made a decision. "I won't kiss you anymore. Just don't leave yet, stay with me a little longer, okay?"

After saying "okay," he carefully scrutinized my expression, then cautiously added, "You haven't visited my dreams in so long. I miss you, that's why I'm like this."

Now I understood. He believed he was dreaming the entire time, which was why he was acting so clingy and unreasonable instead of simply grabbing my throat and demanding why I wasn't dead yet.

At this thought, I sneered coldly. Perhaps even the most wicked villains, after committing their misdeeds, feel shame and guilt in their midnight dreams, which is why Xie Yan was putting on this act.

Did he think my father's life could be dismissed with a few empty words? One day, I would make him pay the price, but unfortunately, not now.

My immediate goal was to leave safely without shattering Xie Yan's beautiful dream, so that when he woke tomorrow, he would still believe tonight was nothing more than a dream.

"If you don't want me to be angry, then go back to your room and sleep now. Stop clinging to me."

My tone was stern, and my gaze held no warmth for Xie Yan.

"Will you come tomorrow?"

Xie Yan remained still, instead looking at me with those beautiful, pale eyes, his face filled with hope, as if he would obediently release me the moment I nodded.

"Mm." I nodded coldly, giving my consent.

Only after receiving my affirmative answer did Xie Yan hesitantly reach out to touch my hand, then, emboldened, he said, "Then accompany me inside."

"There's another you inside, but it's cold all over, and it's cold to hold."

"I prefer the current you, warm and cozy to embrace."

A faint smile curled at the corners of his lips, his narrow, phoenix-like eyes slightly lifted, radiating with unspeakable delight.

Whether Xie Yan lived or died was none of my concern. I didn't care if he was cold or warm; I didn't even want to hear another word from him. Disgusted, I furrowed my brows and sharply shook off his hand, saying impatiently, "If you don't leave now, I won't come back ever again."

This tactic seemed to work well on Xie Yan. He immediately obediently placed his hands behind his back and said to me plaintively, "Then you must remember to come see me again tomorrow night."

As he spoke, he secretly observed my expression. Seeing my face grow increasingly grim, he finally resolutely turned to leave, not looking back, as if afraid that if he did, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to go.

I practically fled back to the inn in a panic the moment he turned away.

Huai Xin, noticing my distressed expression, repeatedly asked if I needed to call a doctor.

I shook my head and told him sternly, "If anyone asks about me going out tonight, tell them I stayed at the inn the whole time and never left. Understood?"

"Yes, Huai Xin understands. I'll definitely keep your secret for you, young master."

I didn't doubt Huai Xin's loyalty—after all, he was Qiu Yunqing's servant, devoted and obedient to him. Still, I couldn't help but warn him sternly.

"If tonight's events are leaked, not just you or me, but the entire Qiu Mansion will be in danger. If you want to live, keep your mouth shut."

Hearing the clear distrust in my words, Huai Xin dropped to his knees with a thud and assured me, "Young master, rest assured. Huai Xin will not betray your trust. I was an orphan, and it's only because of your kindness that I've come this far. I would never repay kindness with betrayal."

Only then did I feel at ease and let him go.

It was already late at night. The lonely moon hung alone in the sky, without the company of stars, appearing desolate and forlorn. I held my father's sachet in my hand, and for a moment, my mind wandered.

It's rather ironic how tonight, Xie Yan and I seemed to have switched places.

In the past, it was always me carefully observing Xie Yan's expressions, trying to please him with a heart full of affection, afraid of displeasing him in the slightest.

Now, Xie Yan's retribution has come. If he wakes up tomorrow and recalls his whining and crying tonight, will he be furious to death? I truly want to know. With this thought, I found myself looking forward to tomorrow's court attendant selection.

[Author's Note]

Please type "Xie Yan cried" in the comments. Thank you.