Chapter 20 “I Will Walk on My Own”

Chapter 20: "I'll Walk Away Myself"

My father’s indulgence had spoiled me from a young age, yet I was adept at all the little tricks of charming, coaxing, and wheedling.

I didn't call attention to Xie Yan's slightly flushed ears. Instead, I nestled into his embrace like a cat, wrapping my arms around his lean, strong waist. I gently nuzzled my face against his firm chest, my voice softening involuntarily, laced with a gentle coaxing.

"Xie Yan, could you tell me about your childhood?"

"I've only just realized how little I know about you. As your most devoted admirer, I feel I should understand you better."

"Will you tell me?"

I spoke softly, slyly observing Xie Yan's expression. His earlier sinister and volatile demeanor had completely vanished, replaced by a serene calm in his grey eyes, like a sea unruffled after a storm.

When our gazes met, Xie Yan's pupils flickered, his eyes deepening. His slender fingers brushed against my chattering mouth, lingering as if in a caress, or an intimate suggestion.

Even that light touch made my ears burn. I watched as Xie Yan slowly lowered his head, his thumb caressing the corner of my lips before his kiss descended.

This kiss was unlike the previous rough one; it felt like a remorseful compensation. Xie Yan first gently licked the wound on my lip with his moist tongue, then enticed me to slowly part my lips. His tongue slipped in, assertively sweeping over every inch of my mouth, like a beast claiming its territory.

I struggled for breath, but Xie Yan showed no mercy. With a swift lift of his long arm, he effortlessly hoisted me up. Caught off guard, I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist to keep from falling.

Now lifted, I was slightly taller than him, forcing me to lean down to kiss him. My tongue ached from his bites, and suspended in mid-air, I felt utterly insecure. I tightly clasped my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs firmly around his waist. More embarrassingly, Xie Yan's hand rested on my bottom.

As he kissed me, he carried me towards the soft couch, pressing me down and kissing me until I was utterly dazed, losing all sense of direction.

This time, however, he did not overstep. He didn't remove my clothes but instead held my face tenderly with both hands, kissing me with focused intensity, as if I were a fragile treasure in his grasp.

When the kiss ended, I exhaled dizzily. Coming to my senses, I realized I was still cradled in Xie Yan's arms. His fingers idly played with my earlobes, gently kneading and twisting them until my ears burned intensely.

Only when my breathing finally steadied did he speak, his eyes colder than the moonlight. "When I was young, I had a little dog. Its fur was glossy, its temperament gentle and clever. It would wag its tail and fawn over me all day long."

"Back in the cold palace, it suffered with me—poor food, frequent illnesses—and I could do nothing about it."

"Later, I resolved to leave. The Empress was my only chance. But she told me she wanted my dog. If I wanted to leave, I had to give the puppy to her."

I listened quietly, noticing how Xie Yan skimmed over his days in the cold palace with few words but spoke highly of the puppy. He had always cherished the memory of the dog, even subconsciously letting its goodness overshadow the hardships of the cold palace.

His resistance to Little White now made sense. Every time he saw Little White, he was probably reminded of his former puppy. That’s why he had said, "With dogs, once you keep them for long, you can't bear to part with them. Better not to keep one at all."

As Xie Yan spoke, his arms tightened around me unconsciously, squeezing my waist painfully. I patted his hand in discomfort and asked, "What happened then?"

"I gave the puppy to her. I was five years old at the time. I thought everyone had a kind heart and that the puppy would be better off with her than with me."

I could sense Xie Yan’s emotions churning. He gripped my waist so tightly it hurt, unaware of his strength. I quickly turned to look at him and saw his phoenix eyes deep with hatred, his grey pupils churning with rage. His face turned sinister, like a vengeful spirit in the dead of night. He curled his thin lips into a cold smile, baring his glistening white teeth.

"Later, she sent me the puppy’s fur. All I could say was, 'Your son thanks you, Mother Empress.'"

"Feng Jiuyue, are you scared?"

He placed his hand on my neck, gently and slowly tightening his grip. I felt as if I were coiled by a venomous snake, a chill creeping into my heart. Yet I felt this shouldn’t be happening. Everything Xie Yan did and said seemed meant to push me away, but I could hear him asking me to stay.

He was testing me, like a beast making one final counterattack after being tamed. He was gambling with his fangs, testing whether my feelings for him were genuine. If not, he would leave me and never see me again.

I opened my mouth, my voice dry and hoarse from emotion. I placed my hand over Xie Yan’s, holding it tightly, and whispered, "Xie Yan, don’t be sad."

"She will face retribution, truly."

Hearing my words spoken with conviction, Xie Yan let out a cold laugh. His features, already sharp and aloof, twisted into a disdainful smirk, making him appear even more ruthless. The smile on his lips was like a sharp blade, his eyes burning with raging hatred. "She will pay for it, sooner or later."

I nodded earnestly and kissed his lips, smoothing his knitted brows. "I can ask my father to help."

"Oh?" He glanced down at me, his thin lips quirking as if looking down on me. "No need for you."

I felt angry, thinking he was underestimating my father’s capabilities. "My father is the current prime minister, and he’s very powerful. Don’t underestimate him."

"That’s him. What about you?"

He was clearly teasing me. Xie Yan asked seriously, but I could see a flicker of mockery in his eyes.

He was making fun of me for being incapable—and indeed, I was. Like his puppy, I could only offer silent companionship but nothing else.

The thought made me sad again.

Loving someone is truly exhausting. You want to give them the best, unable to bear seeing them suffer even a little, and hating yourself for not being enough, for lacking the ability.

"Xie Yan, I really can’t do anything. I’m just like the puppy you once had. I can only wag my tail at you, lick your fingers, follow you around and cling to you. But if you ask me to do something for you, I really have no remarkable skills."

"I’m too ordinary, almost unworthy of you."

"If one day you faced the same choice, but with me instead of the puppy, would you choose me?"

After asking this, I looked at Xie Yan with a mix of hope and fear. His expression turned stern, his thin lips pressed into a straight line as if stumped by my question, seriously considering the possibility.

Suddenly, I didn’t dare to know the answer. I hurriedly added, "If you ever decide to abandon me, can you tell me in advance?"

"I'll walk away myself."

As soon as I finished speaking, Xie Yan pinched my cheek and bit it. I knew he was angry because I had condemned him. My words painted him as heartless, the kind who would abandon loved ones for wealth and status.

Xie Yan kissed me again, this time with anger. My lips were bitten swollen, my neck covered in bruises, and I could barely catch my breath. He patted my cheek and growled, "Be good."

If I were good, would I not be abandoned?

I didn’t know.

I didn’t dare dwell on it and changed the subject, telling Xie Yan about my father. "By the way, I have something serious to tell you. On my way to the palace today, I heard children singing. They were actually singing..."

"Xie falls, Feng becomes king."

"Are kings and nobles truly born to it?"

"I’m so worried, Xie Yan. What should we do?"

I had unknowingly crumpled Xie Yan’s lapel, my palms sweaty with anxiety. Xie Yan’s hand reached over and gently stroked the back of my hand, a silent comfort.

When Xie Yan didn’t respond, I looked up and saw his recently smoothed brow furrowed again, his expression grave.

"Is it serious? I was thinking of sending people to warn their parents. Do you think that would work?"

"Don’t cause trouble. I’ll handle it." Xie Yan made his decision instantly. After speaking, he leaned down to kiss the corner of my lips, his hand patting my back intermittently.

Reassured by Xie Yan’s promise, I relaxed, the tension draining from my body.

Too much had happened today—the terrifying nursery rhyme, followed by Xie Yan’s torment. With the pressure finally easing, I drifted off to sleep in Xie Yan’s arms.

When I woke the next day, the sun was already high in the sky. I stared blankly at the white canopy above the bed, feeling dazed. I had actually stayed overnight at Xie Yan’s place. I’d only told my father I would return late, not that I’d stay the night. I wondered if he was worried.

The thought made me restless. I quickly got up, eager to rush home. As I stepped out of the inner room, I saw Xie Yan sitting primly at his desk, handling official matters. He glanced at me and frowned. "Why the rush?"

"I need to go back. I fell asleep yesterday and forgot to tell my father that I stayed here overnight..."

Xie Yan cut me off, pointing his finger toward the dining table and saying calmly, "I already informed the Prime Minister last night. Go eat."

"Oh." I felt relieved.

After I sat down, Xie Yan also came over to eat with me. It was already noon, and he usually would have finished his lunch by this time—which was odd. Still, I was naturally happy that he was eating with me.

Xie Yan mentioned my father’s situation, saying it had already been resolved. I was surprised by how quickly he had acted, yet somewhat skeptical. So after lunch, I made up an excuse to return to the Prime Minister’s residence, though in truth, I wanted to check on the situation in those alleys.

The children really weren’t singing that eerie nursery rhyme anymore. Still uneasy, I pretended to be curious and asked them why they had stopped.

Their faces immediately showed fear, and then they scattered like startled animals, leaving me utterly confused. But this also indirectly proved that Xie Yan had indeed resolved the issue for me.

Overjoyed, to thank him, I gave him a ring woven from straw. It took me a whole afternoon and considerable effort to make it, and it fit perfectly on Xie Yan’s ring finger. I was quite pleased with it.

But Xie Yan looked displeased as he took it off, casually tossing it into the pouch at his waist.

I pouted but didn’t dare say anything.

I had once read in a storybook that giving someone a ring symbolizes marriage. Xie Yan accepted my ring, so in my heart, he was now my bride—though I only dared to think it, not say it aloud, for fear he would throw the ring away outright.

After his birthday banquet, Xie Yan wasn't as busy as before and regained the time and energy to watch over me. Under pressure, my calligraphy and chess skills improved significantly, and I often stayed overnight at the Crown Prince’s residence, spending much less time with my father.

I felt guilty and annoyed, but I often couldn’t resist Xie Yan’s kisses. He would kiss me until I became disoriented, and I’d end up murmuring, "I’m going to sleep, I won’t go back tonight."

But these past few days have been strange. Xie Yan went out during the day, and each time before leaving, I would ask where he was going. If it was for official business, he would coldly reply that he was meeting some official.

Lately, though, he hasn’t answered me. He just looks at me meaningfully with those beautiful grey eyes and leaves without a word.

It must be a private meeting, so I gradually stopped asking. After two or three days of this, I learned from the palace servants that Xie Yan had been ordered by the Emperor to go boating and sightseeing with the Minister’s daughter these past few days, having a great time!

Then I understood why he hadn’t answered my questions—he had a guilty conscience! Since he accepted my ring, he’s mine. How dare he go boating with someone else? I was so angry my chest hurt, clenching my teeth in anger. After the initial shock, I came up with an idea.

Since you hid it from me first, don’t blame me when I crash your party.