Chapter 26 “Hold Me”

Chapter 26 "Hold Me"

Xie Yan's voice was cold, his expression almost detached, the very picture of an upright, elegant gentleman who always carried himself with the demeanor of a righteous scholar. Yet, he had spoken such shameful words to me.

Hearing those words, my breath caught for a moment, and my face grew so hot it could boil water. Overwhelmed with shyness, I burrowed into Xie Yan's embrace, burying my head like an ostrich, too afraid to face what might happen next.

Xie Yan gazed at me with deep, intense eyes, refusing to let me hide. His strong, slender arms showed no mercy as he gripped my waist and lifted me up, like a cat owner effortlessly scooping up a pampered cat.

I felt utterly defeated. Xie Yan’s appearance didn’t suggest the brawny strength of a burly man; instead, he was tall and graceful, with a scholarly air. Yet his strength was immense—often, one hand was enough to restrain both of mine, and he could easily hoist me over his shoulder with just one arm.

Though we were both men, my slender limbs seemed like mere decorations next to his—all show and no substance.

Resigned, I could only wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, burying my face against his shoulder as he carried me to the bed.

I had expected him to be eager for intimacy, but he wasn’t.

We had been sleeping together almost every night lately, sharing the same bed. Though Xie Yan often acted cold and indifferent on the surface, I could sense his enthusiasm for intimacy. He took a particular interest in the small mole under my eye, often kissing, licking, and biting it, never stopping until I pleaded for mercy.

But this time, after holding me, he made no further moves. He seemed preoccupied, in no hurry to touch me, only teasing my chin with his fingertips as if playing with a cat.

I wasn’t the impatient type either, and most of the time, this was how we interacted. Even without kisses or entwined limbs, I felt a sense of peace.

The cold moon slowly perched on the branches outside the window; a resting crow flapped its wings and flew into the distance. The autumn breeze rustled the leaves, creating a soft, rustling sound. Tonight held a unique stillness, like the calm before a storm.

I’ve never had a high tolerance for alcohol, and tonight I had drunk quite a bit—first several jars of newly opened *Nü’er Hong* with my father, then the ceremonial wedding wine with Xie Yan. After our kiss, my breathing grew faint, and a heavy drowsiness began to cloud my mind. My cheeks and ears burned with warmth.

My eyes, blurred by intoxication, gazed quietly at the lonely moonlight outside. The liquor's potent aftereffects surged through me, and suddenly, I ached to talk to Xie Yan—more than anything, I wanted him to hold me.

"Xie Yan, hold me."

I made this brazen request, unashamed, staring at him pleadingly, my lips downturned in a pout. Secretly, I decided that if he dared refuse, I would wipe my tears and snot all over his clothes.

"Mm." Xie Yan tactfully didn’t refuse. The moment I spoke, he stretched out his arms and pulled me into his embrace, letting me nestle into him like a cherished cat.

"Xie Yan, I want to talk to you."

I continued babbling on, reaching out to touch his eyelids. My fingers brushed against his long, thick eyelashes, feather-soft. Unable to pull away, I kept stroking them, as if caressing a peacock’s plumage.

I began to ramble on about everything under the sun. Xie Yan, always a man of few words, played with a strand of my hair, curling and uncurling it, occasionally responding with a soft "mm" to show he was listening.

I was used to his silence and didn’t press for more, simply pouring out all the worries in my heart.

"Xie Yan, tomorrow my father is sending me to Jiangnan. I don’t know when I’ll be back."

"I’ll miss you so much."

I sniffled, my nose aching fiercely as tears streamed down uncontrollably. I told him I would miss him but didn’t dare ask if he would miss me.

"Mm," Xie Yan replied lightly, devoid of reluctance, as if he had expected it. He showed no surprise and asked casually, "Why are you going to Jiangnan so suddenly?"

"I don’t know. My father wants me to go. He’s been very busy lately, too busy for me."

"Xie Yan, do you know? I’m so worried about my father. I’m afraid he might be in danger. But he won’t tell me anything, and I don’t dare ask him—I’m afraid he’ll be upset."

"It’s been a long time since he last ate with me. He only did today because it’s my birthday."

"Today I realized my father has aged so much. He’s only forty—why has he suddenly grown so old? It pains me to see it."

"He’s always alone now. I think he must be so lonely."

"Xie Yan, let me tell you—my father has a strange friend, Uncle Lin. Their relationship is odd. During the day, Uncle Lin acts as if he and my father have cut ties completely, but he often comes late at night to drink and share heartfelt talks with him. Lately, though, he hasn’t been coming."

"Is that Lin Rui, Official Lin?"

Xie Yan had listened to my rambling for a long time but only showed interest at this point, speaking up to ask.

I turned to look at him and saw his phoenix eyes intense and dark, his expression more focused than when he learned I was leaving.

I felt a little sad but didn’t dwell on it, simply nodding and saying, "Yes. He’s been my father’s best friend since I was little. I just don’t understand why they pretend not to know each other in public."

"Mm." Xie Yan’s hand, which had been stroking my hair, paused. He seemed lost in thought, glanced at me briefly, and then fell silent again.

"Sometimes I feel like my father loves me, but other times I think it’s only because of my mother’s wishes. If it weren’t for her, he would probably hate me—after all, I was the death of the woman he loved most."

"But I didn’t mean to."

"Maybe because I killed my mother at birth, heaven cursed me with a strange, deformed body. People call me a monster."

At this, it was as if a timid boy had opened a box of nightmares. The word "monster" echoed in my ears, childhood terrors coiled around me. My whole body began to tremble; I bit my lip hard, my fingers clawing at the bedding beneath me, tears flowing uncontrollably.

"Xie Yan, Xie Yan, Xie Yan..."

I called his name repeatedly, as if grasping at my last lifeline. I clung to him desperately, pressing my head against his chest, wrapping my limbs around him like one starved for security, and asked timidly, "Xie Yan, do you also think I’m a monster?"

Xie Yan sensed my emotional turmoil almost immediately. Instead of pushing me away, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me entirely into his embrace. His cool skin enveloped me.

His body was always slightly cold; I often thought him as cold and emotionless as a snake—not just in temperament, but even his touch felt chilling.

But now, pressed against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat, my own heart slowly calmed, no longer filled with panic and fear.

I was terrified that Xie Yan would see me as a monster, like everyone else did. I could tolerate others calling me a monster—their opinions meant nothing to me; they were like ants to me.

But Xie Yan was different.

Xie Yan’s presence was like a beam of light cutting through the gloom that had clouded my heart for years. My dark moods, my insecurities about being a monster—I was desperately afraid he would see them.

I hoped that in his eyes, I would always be as bright and radiant as spring peaches in early bloom.

I could accept the scorn of those ants, but I couldn’t bear even a hint of disgust from Xie Yan.

This, perhaps, is the greed, attachment, and pain that come with loving someone.

I wanted to believe that in Xie Yan’s heart, I was bright and flawless—that the shadows I was born with would never be exposed to the light. But deep down, I knew a broken window couldn’t block the winter’s fierce wind, nor could it hide an ugly truth.

I longed to be the best in Xie Yan’s eyes, yet I knew I wasn’t. This intense conflict often tormented me, bending me double like a withered skeleton.

Xie Yan’s hand gently rested on my head, interrupting my thoughts. He softly stroked my cheek, perhaps sensing my trembling. He began kissing the small mole under my eye, my ears, my lips, trying to soothe my frantic emotions.

He cupped my face in his hands, looking at me with deep intensity, as if I were something precious and beloved.

I knew I wasn’t, but I greedily clung to this moment of tenderness.

I wrapped myself around him like a tender vine clinging to a strong tree. Tears fell from my eyes, landing on his face and trailing down his tall nose before slipping into his mouth. He tasted the bitterness of my tears.

He sighed almost imperceptibly, a flash of helplessness and pity passing through his gray eyes. Before I could process it, he kissed me again.

Holding my face as he kissed me, he wiped away my tears and asked softly, "Why do you think you’re a monster?"

His expression was gentler than I had ever seen it before. His gray eyes, typically a lifeless calm sea, now churned with waves for me.

I wasn't this upset initially, but the moment Xie Yan asked, tears started pouring down my face, just like when I was a child being bullied and my father found out.

Having lost my mother at a young age and with my father often swamped with work, unable to spare time for me, I had no choice but to play alone, watching other children with envy as they enjoyed themselves.

They refused to play with me, saying I was a girl. I could only stand quietly to the side, watching them laugh and play, until my father came to take me home.

I was often bullied and frequently felt wronged, to the point where I developed a habit of putting up a tough front. No matter how badly I was treated, I would hold back my tears, refusing to let them fall, biting down hard on my lower lip, telling myself I shouldn’t cry—crying would only make those bullies laugh at me. Crying was a sign of weakness.

I am not weak.

But every time my father showed up, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. In front of him, I always felt as vulnerable as a child.

Now that I’ve met Xie Yan, I thought I could hold back my tears, but I just can’t. I can’t help but feel wronged, wanting him to kiss me, hold me, comfort me.

I could have torn all those past sorrows to shreds and let them blow away, becoming a strong and formidable person, but the moment Xie Yan appeared, I couldn’t resist wanting him to know all of me—the vulnerable me, the strong me, the strange me. I wanted him to know and accept every part.

So when he asked me like this, I felt like a traveler who had journeyed alone for too long, collapsing exhausted and parched in the desert, and Xie Yan was like a quiet, sudden rain. He made me let my guard down, as if telling me, "You can trust me."

His arms held me tightly as he sat up, settling me in his lap. His wet tongue gently licked away my tears, and he softly patted my back.

It seemed he had never seen me so emotional before. He simply said to me, "You can tell me."

The moonlight fell on his face, casting a soft glow over his handsome features. His gaze carried an intense warmth. My freshly shed tears dripped onto his eyelashes, moistening them slightly, making his gray eyes seem to warm as well.

His gaze lingered on me for a long time, as if I were the only one in his world, encouraging me to take the first step.

I didn’t dare look into his beautiful eyes, afraid that my ugliness would be completely exposed. I gently rested my face against his shoulder, my voice trembling, my fingertips shaking uncontrollably.

"Xie Yan, do you know? I feel like I’m a jinx. My mother died because she gave birth to me. I’ve always believed it was my fault she passed away."

"I’ve felt this way since I was little, and those bullies said the same thing. When I was young, boys around my age would bully me. They said I was a girl and should wear dresses, be their bride—that I shouldn’t be studying at the academy but should stay home and embroider instead. I tried to explain seriously, but they never listened."

As I spoke, my entire body was shaking all over. Xie Yan could only keep kissing my ears, trying to calm me down.

"Before I met Yuan Ye, I had no friends, and no one was willing to help me. They insisted I was a girl. I told them I wasn’t, but they—they—"

"What did they do?" Fierce anger flashed between Xie Yan’s brows, his tone carrying a surge of murderous rage.

"They pulled my pants down," I bit my lower lip hard until the taste of blood spread in my mouth. Deep hatred and resentment welled up inside me. "I refused, but several of them held me down. After they saw, they started telling everyone that I was a freak—not a boy or a girl."