Chapter 18 “Kneel Down”

Chapter 18 "Kneel"

"What does 'I know' mean?"

"What exactly does he know?"

I had clearly said nothing, yet Xie Yan had already condemned me in his heart, denying me any chance to explain. Every time I mustered the courage to speak, his cold, distant demeanor pushed me away. It was as if he had encased himself in an impenetrable shell of indifference, no longer speaking to me or engaging in any intimate gestures.

I was utterly bewildered. I tried every method I could think of, but nothing worked. Moreover, Xie Yan now refused to drink the salted milk tea I made or let me help grind his ink. When he looked at me, it was as if I were a complete stranger—cold and detached, like an exquisitely carved jade Buddha. It felt as though we had reverted to the tense, sword-drawn standoff we had at the very beginning.

In the past, I could always coax Xie Yan into taking me to any banquet. But for the Empress's birthday celebration, he had no intention of bringing me along. I didn’t have the nerve to insist, so as evening fell, I obediently returned home and sat alone for a long time, unable to eat.

The Empress's birthday banquet was a grand affair, and my father was among the invited guests. He had originally wanted to bring me, but I declined, recalling Xie Yan’s chilling gaze.

Now, as I stared blankly at the table laden with delicious dishes, I found I had no appetite. My mind kept returning to the question Xie Yan had asked me. Was he angry because I hadn’t answered immediately?

But as I carefully considered his recent emotional fluctuations, I felt there was more to it. Both his question and his attitude toward Little White struck me as incredibly strange and contradictory. He seemed to dislike Little White, showing resistance, yet I never saw any real disgust in his eyes. Instead, I often caught a look of nostalgia and self-loathing.

Was Xie Yan worried that if I discovered his true nature, I would abandon him? How could I? I cherished him too much to ever do such a thing.

Unfortunately, Xie Yan wasn’t listening to any explanations now.

"Young Master, the Master has sent word that His Majesty suddenly wishes to appraise Lin Xichan’s calligraphy. He asks that you bring it to the palace for him," Xiao Man hurried in, delivering my father’s message.

I had no choice but to take the calligraphy and my heavy heart, setting off toward the palace gate in a palanquin.

I was also apprehensive. If I ran into Xie Yan, would he show displeasure? Well, I decided I would sneak in, quietly hand the calligraphy to my father, and slip away. Xie Yan was surely too busy to notice me.

With that thought, I relaxed a little and lifted the curtain to look at the scenery outside.

It was evening, and the weather was slightly cool, a welcome relief from the day’s heat. The streets were bustling with people, ablaze with lights. Families sat in old rattan chairs at the alley entrances, fanning themselves and chatting idly. Children with little pigtails chased each other, laughing and playing—a scene of warmth and happiness that captivated me.

"Xie falls, the king is crowned."

"Are kings and nobles born to rule?"

"Xie falls, the king is crowned."

"Are kings and nobles born to rule?"

As the palanquin moved farther away, the children’s clear, young voices chanting this nursery rhyme reached my ears. I stiffened and immediately called for the carriers to stop. I hurried out, but the children had already run far away. Their crisp, singing voices were like the devil’s whisper, sending chills down my spine.

"Young Master, if we don’t hurry, the Prime Minister will be waiting impatiently," the servant beside me urged softly when he saw me standing still.

I could only nod, clutching the calligraphy as I got back into the palanquin.

What was the meaning of those nursery rhymes? Were they deliberately spread, or was it just a coincidence? If it was a coincidence, I could have someone talk to their parents tomorrow and have them keep quiet.

But if it was deliberate… The thought made me feel chilled to the bone, breaking out in a cold sweat even in the summer heat.

We finally arrived at the palace. I estimated the banquet was more than halfway through and planned to sneak in through the back hall, passing through the rock gardens toward the noisy crowd.

Just as I emerged from behind a rockery, I saw two young palace maids talking, their faces filled with pity and admiration.

"Ah, His Royal Highness the Crown Prince is so pitiful. The banquet is more than halfway over, and the Empress still hasn’t shown herself. She’s clearly snubbing him."

"Yes, since he's not her own child, he’s just not loved. I remember once when His Royal Highness made a mistake, the Empress punished him by making him kneel at the palace entrance. In the freezing winter, he was only allowed to wear a single layer of clothing and had to kneel the whole night."

"There’s no helping it. The Empress is powerful and influential but can’t have children. That’s why His Royal Highness had to curry favor with her to be her 'good son,' right?"

"Hey, I also heard that His Royal Highness’s birth mother, that foreign songstress, was killed by the Empress. Do you think what he’s doing is like acknowledging the enemy as his mother?"

"Don’t say such things carelessly. Be careful—walls have ears."

I was furious. The Xie Yan they were talking about was clearly not my Xie Yan. How could Xie Yan do such things? They were slandering him. Trembling with anger, I was about to rush out and argue with them when they suddenly fell silent and knelt down.

Hiding behind the rockery, the palace lanterns cast only a faint shadow of me, so I didn’t kneel.

In the distance, the noisy area suddenly fell silent, like cicadas cutting off their song on a summer night. A gold-inlaid palanquin slowly descended in the center of the hall. The leading eunuch had a pale face but lips painted bright red. His voice was like a duck’s, drawn out and strained: "Her Majesty the Empress has arrived."

"Greetings to Her Majesty the Empress."

"Greetings to Her Majesty the Empress."

"Greetings to Her Majesty the Empress."

Everyone knelt and bowed. I was no exception, but shielded by the rockery, I raised my head to see what was happening.

"Rise," the Empress’s voice came from the luxurious palanquin. Her tone was not delicate like an ordinary woman’s but more authoritative and cold.

Everyone stood up, and I followed suit. Only then did I see Xie Yan, dressed in magnificent brocade robes, his hair tied with a jade crown, his face as handsome as jade, standing tall and straight before the palanquin.

"Is the Crown Prince outside?"

The Empress seemed in no hurry to step down. Her voice was lazy, as if teasing a pet.

"Your son is here," Xie Yan extended his slender hand respectfully. "Your son will help Mother down."

I could see Xie Yan’s expression clearly. He was cold and detached, going through the motions perfunctorily, though most people couldn’t see through his disguise. But having witnessed the look on his face when he saw his mother’s portrait, I could tell.

He must miss his own mother deeply, yet he had to call another woman "Mother." It must hurt him deeply. My heart ached for him.

"Kneel." The Empress, angered by some action of Xie Yan’s, spoke sharply and imperiously. Those around cowered, not daring to speak or look up.

I saw Xie Yan not fully kneeling. It was as if he was used to this—he only bent one knee, his lips pressed into a tight line, his eyelashes lowered. I couldn’t discern his emotions, but I could see his knuckles white with strain.

Xie Yan was furious—I could feel it.

I thought making Xie Yan kneel was the ultimate humiliation the Empress could inflict, but who could have imagined that in the next moment, her jade foot, clad in gold-threaded shoes, would step on Xie Yan’s knee as she calmly descended from the palanquin.

I gasped in shock and unexpectedly met Xie Yan’s eyes. Those cold gray pupils reflected my astonished self, burning with a furious, wild rage.