Chapter 40 I Won’t Leave

Chapter 40: I’m Not Leaving

Lu Lin blinked, “Because I wanted to have dinner with you, Brother.”

“That’s it?”

“Mhm.”

Shen Qingci just looked at him, saying nothing.

But his gaze was ice-cold.

So cold it made Lu Lin uneasy, his fingers unconsciously wringing together as he lowered his head, avoiding his gaze.

“Lu Lin,” Shen Qingci said, his voice even colder now, “What exactly are your feelings... for me?”

The question caught him off guard.

Lu Lin’s head snapped up, his eyes wide, lips trembling:

“Brother... what do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said.” Shen Qingci replied. “You’re twenty-six, not sixteen, for crying out loud. You’re not a child, but a grown man. You hang on me every day, send me flowers like clockwork, crawl into my bed in the middle of the night...”

With every word, Lu Lin’s face got paler.

“These things,” Shen Qingci finally asked, “Is this really just dependence?”

Lu Lin opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but his throat felt like it was closing up, and no sound came out.

He just stared at Shen Qingci, at those beautiful, icy eyes with no warmth in them.

It felt like his heart was being squeezed by an invisible hand, aching so much it was hard to breathe.

“Brother...” he said hoarsely.

“Answer me,” Shen Qingci cut him off.

He tapped his finger on the table again.

Lu Lin’s shoulders gave an almost imperceptible tremble.

He lowered his head, looking at his hands resting on his lap, fingers laced together tightly, knuckles turning white.

“I...” his voice was so quiet it was barely a whisper, “I don’t know...”

“You don’t know?” Shen Qingci’s voice turned cold. “If you don’t even know that, then what the hell do your actions mean?”

Lu Lin’s head shot up, his eyes turning red:

“I just don’t want to lose you.”

“You already lost me once,” Shen Qingci said. “I was dead for ten years, and you got through it. So why now...?”

“I didn’t survive!” Lu Lin suddenly interrupted, his voice hoarse. “I didn’t! Brother, I was never really alive.”

Tears spilled from his eyes without warning:

“Those ten years, I was a walking corpse. I ate, slept, worked every day, finished what you left undone, got back at everyone who disrespected you... but I was never living.”

He choked on his sobs, tears streaming down in huge drops:

“It wasn’t until you came back that I felt alive.”

Shen Qingci looked at him, at his tear-streaked, twisted face, at his red eyes and trembling shoulders.

Suddenly, a strange feeling welled up inside him.

It was so heavy it made it hard to breathe.

Heartache?

The second that thought hit him, Shen Qingci himself was stunned.

He felt heartache... for Lu Lin?

The Shen family had always taught him that emotions were weakness, and heartache was just dead weight.

But now, watching Lu Lin cry like this, he truly... felt heartache.

Shen Qingci pressed his lips together, a flicker of conflict in his eyes, quickly fading as he let out a sigh.

“Lu Lin,” Shen Qingci compromised again, his voice softer than before, “I’ve already come back.”

“But you’ll leave,” Lu Lin said through tears. “You said you’d only raise me until I’m eighteen, to make up for those two years... and then you’ll go.”

Shen Qingci was silent.

He had indeed said that.

And he had planned to do just that.

“So...” Lu Lin looked up, wiping his tears messily with his sleeve, but they kept falling, “That’s why I want to... see you more, spend more time with you, make you... remember me.”

He choked, his words becoming incoherent:

“I’m afraid that once you leave, you’ll never come back, and I’ll have to wait another ten years, twenty years, a lifetime. I don’t want to wait.”

“Brother, I’m just... too scared.”

He finished speaking, burying his head in his arms, his shoulders shaking violently.

His sobs were muffled, but in the silent restaurant, they were painfully clear.

Shen Qingci sat across from him, watching.

For a long, long time.

Then he stood up, leaning on his cane, and walked over to Lu Lin’s side.

He reached out and gently placed his hand on Lu Lin’s trembling shoulder.

“Stop crying,” he said.

His voice was very soft, very light.

But Lu Lin’s crying gradually subsided.

He looked up, his eyes swollen, his face covered in tears, like a puppy caught in the rain.

"Brother..." he croaked, his voice hoarse.

Shen Qingci looked at him, paused for a moment, then said:

"I'm not going anywhere."

Lu Lin's eyes lit up instantly.

But the next second, Shen Qingci said:

"At least, not until you're really independent."

Lu Lin's eyes dimmed.

"What... does really independent mean?" he asked quietly.

Shen Qingci thought for a moment, then said:

"When my being here or not doesn't mess with your emotions or life anymore, when you have your own goals, your own circle, your own feelings."

He paused on the word "feelings."

Lu Lin's eyes got red again: "I don't want anyone else... I only want my brother."

Shen Qingci frowned.

"Lu Lin," he said, "you can't just want me. The world is a big place, and you'll meet a lot of people, have a lot of possibilities..."

"I don't want that." Lu Lin cut him off, his voice soft but firm. "I only want my brother."

Shen Qingci looked at him, at the almost obsessive look in his eyes, and suddenly felt...

A headache coming on.

A killer.

He pulled his hand back and sat down across from him again.

The waiter had just brought the appetizer, carefully placing it in front of them before quickly leaving.

The atmosphere went back to being awkward.

No, it was even more awkward.

Shen Qingci picked up his fork and started eating the foie gras.

His movements were graceful, his expression calm, like that intense conversation never happened.

Lu Lin picked up his fork too, but his hand was still shaking. The fork clinked against the plate with a sharp sound.

He kept his head down, taking small bites, tears occasionally falling and dripping onto the plate.

They ate in silence like that until Shen Qingci's black coffee came.

He picked up the cup, took a sip, then looked up at Lu Lin:

"Lu Lin."

Lu Lin immediately raised his head, his eyes still red: "Hmm?"

"I'll stay with you," Shen Qingci said, "until the day you're really independent."

He paused, then said:

"But you have to promise me one thing."

"What is it?"

"See a therapist," Shen Qingci said. "Take it seriously, stick with the treatment."

Lu Lin was taken aback for a moment, then nodded hard: "Okay."

"And," Shen Qingci went on, "try... to connect with other people. I'm not saying you have to find a boyfriend or girlfriend right away, just meet more people, see more of the world."

Lu Lin pressed his lips together tighter.

But he nodded anyway.

"...Fine."

Shen Qingci grunted in acknowledgment and set down his coffee cup.

"Eat," he said.

Lu Lin put his head down and kept eating.

Shen Qingci watched Lu Lin, lightly tapping his fingers on the table. Even though Lu Lin seemed as obedient as ever, Shen Qingci could tell the way he looked at him had changed—gotten stranger, more obsessive.

Somehow, he felt like he'd broken something open between him and Lu Lin.

He remembered Lin Wei's words.

When he needs you, give him what he wants.

Give him plenty of attention and care.

Shen Qingci suddenly realized...

He might have dug himself a hole.

A really, really deep hole.