Chapter 63 “Cool You”

Chapter 63: "You, So Cold"

On the way back, Huai Xin drove the carriage outside the carriage curtain, while Xie Xing and I sat side by side inside the carriage, sitting in silence facing each other.

This carriage was not as grand and imposing as the usual style of the Prince of Yu's residence; I had specifically chosen it for this trip to avoid drawing attention.

Now, sitting so close to Xie Xing that our shoulders were almost touching, it felt pretty cramped and awkward.

I don’t particularly enjoy being this close to others, so I quietly prepared to scoot away, but then I suddenly noticed Xie Xing’s shoulders trembling slightly. I quickly turned my gaze to his face and saw that his once-bright lips had lost their color and were shaking uncontrollably, as if he had experienced a great shock. His once full and rosy complexion was now pale and almost transparent, his eyes vacant as he stared blankly at a point ahead, his fingers unconsciously twisting together.

"Xie Xing, what’s wrong with you? Why are you shaking like this?" I waved my hand gently in front of his face, trying to get his attention. "You came to me in such a hurry today—what was so urgent?"

Even after I spoke, Xie Xing remained lost in his own world, as if he hadn’t heard a word I said. It wasn’t until I lightly touched his shoulder that he snapped out of it and looked at me.

His dazed eyes finally cleared, and he suddenly grabbed my hand, his eyes widening uncontrollably as he said to me, "Pretty brother, I found something at the Crown Prince’s residence today, and it scared me so much. The Crown Prince must have gone crazy to do something like that."

Suspicion stirred within me, and I couldn’t help but press him further, "What exactly happened that frightened you so much?"

Xie Xing was born into royalty and had seen it all. His nature is cunning and ruthless—from his sinister behavior in the prison, I knew he wasn’t a timid or cowardly person. So, what kind of shocking and horrifying thing could have scared him like this?

"Pretty brother, let’s go to the Crown Prince’s residence now. You’ll understand once you see it."

"I only discovered that eerie place today when I was sealing up the Crown Prince’s residence. As soon as I saw it, I rushed to find you. It’s not exactly a major issue, but it’s not minor either—just thinking about it sends chills down my spine. And I feel that you have the right to know about this."

As Xie Xing spoke, his eyes remained hollow, clearly still shaken from the shock. He held my hand tightly, unwilling to let go, as if drawing courage from the contact to keep his fear at bay.

I initially wanted to pull my hand back, but seeing how frightened he was—his face pale, lips purple, and still visibly unsettled—I pursed my lips and said nothing. With my other hand, I lifted the carriage curtain to look at the scenery outside.

Each autumn rain brings a deeper chill. The carriage traveled along the damp official road, its wheels crunching through yellow leaves blown down by the autumn wind. The few pedestrians on the road held oil-paper umbrellas, tightening their robes against the cold wind as they hurried home.

Time passes so quickly. When I think back to when I was reborn, the maple leaves had just begun to turn crimson. Now, they are steeped in time's golden hue, decaying into red mud.

Most things in this world are like this—decay and reincarnation are their fate. But as a lone soul inhabiting another’s body, will I ever be reunited with my parents one day?

It’s all unknown.

I sighed and let the curtain fall.

The closer the carriage got to the Crown Prince’s residence, the more a strange sense of unease welled up in my heart, my heartbeat growing erratic. I pressed a hand to my chest, took several deep breaths, and tried to calm myself. I didn’t know what awaited me ahead, and this fear of the unknown was truly unsettling.

"Your Highness Eighth Prince, Young Master, we’ve arrived at the former Crown Prince’s residence."

Xie Xing got out of the carriage first and reached out to help me down. As my feet touched the ground, I saw the familiar scenery.

The graceful peach tree stretched its high branches over the gray, decaying wall like a beauty’s delicate arm. The gray wall, bathed in cold moonlight, exuded a deathly stillness.

The stone lions by the gate, once occupied by pitch-black crows, screeched and flew into the sky at the sound of our arrival, vanishing into the night like countless black dots.

Xie Xing tore off the seal on the vermilion gate and led me inside. We passed through a desolate pavilion and walked by a withered lotus pond. The lotuses in the pond, neglected and untended, had all fallen into a state of disrepair.

Xie Xing led me straight toward the Bright Moon Tower. I had heard about the various happenings there from Huai Xin. At the time, my residence was far from the Bright Moon Tower, and I had no interest in caring about Xie Yan’s affairs. It wasn’t until today that I finally laid eyes on that magnificent and exquisite structure.

Clearly, Xie Yan had put great care into building the Bright Moon Tower. The former Crown Prince’s residence had been decorated in cold shades of white, gray, and black, perfectly reflecting Xie Yan’s indifference to maintenance and decoration.

But the Bright Moon Tower was entirely different from the rest of the residence, a world of its own. It was octagonal, with red bricks and green tiles, its design lively and full of exotic charm. It was like a dazzling flower blooming in the desert, a splash of life in barren land—the last pure place in Xie Yan’s heart.

From a distance, it resembled the exquisite temples depicted in Dunhuang murals, hiding beautiful spirits and ill-gotten wealth within.

I suddenly remembered what Huai Xin had told me before—that Xie Yan had kept a lover here, that the Bright Moon Tower housed Xie Yan’s sanctuary of tenderness. He would hold that person under the moonlight at night, send countless luxurious gifts to please them, and run to the Bright Moon Tower whenever he was upset, seeking their gentle comfort and affection.

Just thinking about this made my chest feel tight, as if my heart were soaking in a bucket of sour water, bubbling with jealousy.

Is this what Xie Xing meant when he said I had the right to know?

But I already knew Xie Yan had hidden a beauty here. I didn’t feel jealous at all. Who Xie Yan favored or who he was with had nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to know any of it; I just wanted to retreat into my shell like a snail.

"Xie Xing," I stopped at the entrance of the Bright Moon Tower, unwilling to go further, my expression cold and rigid. "If you’re going to tell me that Xie Yan hid a beauty here, there’s no need."

"I’m not interested. I don’t want to see it. I want to go back."

After hurriedly saying this, I turned to leave as if fleeing for my life, my steps chaotic, nearly tripping several times.

I must be sick. Otherwise, why would my head ache as if being stabbed with needles, and why would my chest feel so suffocating?

Admit it, Feng Jiuyue—you just can’t accept that Xie Yan has fallen for someone else.

No, I won’t admit it. I don’t like Xie Yan, not at all. How could I possibly fall for the person who killed my father?

Absolutely impossible.

It felt as though two little figures were warring in my mind, my heart shredded to pieces. Unable to bear it, I crouched down, burying my head in my knees, trembling as I repeated, "I don’t like him, I don’t like him. I never liked him."

"Pretty brother, what’s wrong?" Xie Xing’s hand landed on my head, patting it gently as if afraid to startle me. His voice was soft, coaxing me gently. "Don’t you want to see Xiao Man?"

"Xiao Man?" I repeated the name dazedly, then looked up in disbelief, overwhelmed with emotion. "Xiao Man is still alive?"

Back then, my cowardly suicide must have terrified Xiao Man. He was several years younger than me, still a half-grown child, yet he took care of me meticulously. I never treated him as a servant; our relationship was more like brothers. After I was reborn, I never gave up searching for traces of Xiao Man, but he seemed to have vanished without a trace, like a stone sinking into the ocean.

I knew that after the family was purged, the servants would be sent to labor in harsh conditions. I asked around, but everyone replied they hadn’t seen him, so I thought I would never see him again in this lifetime.

"Where is Xiao Man? Xie Xing, do you know where he is?"

"Yes, I know. Pretty brother, don’t overthink it. Just follow me."

Now, faced with my disheveled and distraught state, Xie Xing showed a calm composure. He took my hand and led me firmly toward the Bright Moon Tower.

The Bright Moon Tower truly lived up to its reputation as Xie Yan’s secret haven for his beauty. Everywhere exuded the extravagance and wealth of nobility. Xie Yan wasn’t one for extravagance usually, but this place was an exception.

Every inch of the floor was covered with gilded Persian carpets. Tall sandalwood cabinets held priceless porcelain, and every table and chair was carved from precious aged wood, exquisite and elegant in every detail.

On the high wall of the main hall hung two paintings. One depicted a beauty with exotic charm, her dance posture soft and graceful, her gray eyes clear and bright, her smile radiant and innocent, full of a young girl’s purity and charm. This was the painting I had given Xie Yan—a portrait of his mother, Madam Lanji.

Though Xie Yan was wicked at heart, his filial piety was no less than mine. Thinking this, I sneered coldly and turned to look at the other painting on the wall.

The painting showed a young man in golden cloud-patterned robes, his skin delicate and snow-white, holding a palm-leaf fan as he reclined on a daybed. His slightly upturned peach blossom eyes held glimmers of morning light, and as he turned his head, he smiled, the red mole at the corner of his eye almost burning my eyes.

It was a painting of me, done by Xie Yan.

Before I could process the whirlwind of emotions in my heart, Xie Xing urgently pulled my hand and led me to a hidden chamber. His expression grave, he said, "Pretty brother, I think the Crown Prince really liked you. He liked you so much that he went mad without even realizing it. It’s truly terrifying."

A sharp pain shot through my head again, and I asked instinctively, "Why do you say that?"

How could Xie Yan truly like me? Impossible. I did so many terrible things to him—whipped him, ruined his legs. If he really liked me, how would I face myself? Just the thought of this possibility made it hard to catch my breath, almost suffocating.

This hidden chamber would never have been found without an exhaustive search. What was even more eerie was that the chamber was surrounded by cold ice blocks, as if to preserve certain items better. A chilling sensation surged up my spine.

The chamber was large, but in the center stood only a jade bed. Someone seemed to be lying on it, undisturbed by our entrance, as if in deep slumber.

"Pretty brother, go see for yourself. You’ll understand once you see it." Xie Xing, apparently deeply moved by something, his eyes turning red, looked at me encouragingly, waiting for me to unravel the mystery myself.

I took two steps forward, reaching the side of the white jade bed, and gently lifted the golden silk brocade quilt, only to find a terrifying skeleton lying there, dressed in fine silks and satins. The more exquisite and luxurious its attire, the more it accentuated the eerie and chilling scene before me. My pupils constricted instantly, and I covered my mouth with my hand, stifling any sob that might escape.

Huai Xin once mentioned that a drunken guard accidentally wandered into the Mingyue Lou and saw the Crown Prince admiring the moon in the pavilion, holding someone in his arms, occasionally leaning down to speak to them.

I also recalled when I reunited with Xie Yan at the Feng residence, he said plaintively to me, "There's another version of you in there, but it's cold all over, and holding it is freezing. I prefer the current you, warm and cozy to hold."

Was this what he meant?

My brain erupted with a sharp, piercing buzz, and my vision lost all focus in an instant, overlapping black and white patches swirling before me. In my daze, I saw the blood gushing from Xie Yan's knees and the scars all over his body. He bit down hard on my collarbone, almost tearing off a piece of flesh. I could never forget his hate-filled gaze, like a savage wolf with its ribs brutally torn out, struggling to demand an explanation.

But I had nothing to give.

"Young master, young master, is it really you?"

Amid these calls, a figure rushed frantically into my arms. The person was crying, face wet with tears, with a delicate and pretty face, and a taller and more slender figure than three years ago—it was Xiao Man, whom I had been separated from for three years.

Xie Yan not only adopted my Little White but also saved my Xiao Man. Why would he do this? Why couldn't he just be evil through and through, so I could completely give up? Being left in this limbo makes me unable to hate or love fully. Extreme love or hate allows for decisive action, but this blurred line between them is like walking on a dangerous tightrope, where a single misstep could lead to a fatal fall, blurring the line between love and hate.

"Young master, do you know how scared Xiao Man was that day after you hanged yourself? The master was dead, and you were gone. Xiao Man held your corpse but couldn't even find a place to bury you."

"Later, the Crown Prince came. He took you away and went on a rampage in the Imperial Medical Bureau. Anyone who said you were beyond saving, he pointed his knife at them. It was truly terrifying. Eventually, the Emperor arrived with a large contingent of guards and managed to restrain the crazed Crown Prince."

"After that, the Crown Prince's mental state remained unstable, sometimes better, sometimes worse. He brought me back to serve you and gave me enough to eat, but I never forgot the master's hatred. Yet, seeing him exhibit such madness every day over your remains, I don't know whether to hate him or pity him."

Xiao Man's words were always rapid and voluble, and even after three years, that hasn't changed. The world shifts, and the changes of time happen in the blink of an eye, yet I feel now that many things are hard to change, like my eternal longing for my parents and the imprint Xie Yan left on me.

Since those traces of love cannot be erased, I began to let go, dreaming of Xie Yan night after night.

I dreamt of our limbs entangled, whispering intimately, and I dreamt of him with reddened eyes, demanding why I had broken his legs. In those dreams, I could never find words to defend myself, only crying endlessly until my eyes were nearly blind, and upon waking, I would experience moments of momentary blindness.

These nightmares tormented me, and the symptom of momentary blindness was noticed by Xiao Man, who immediately reported it to Xie Xing, and an imperial physician was summoned.

The imperial physician said it was just illness from excessive worry, that mental illness requires mental medicine. If one refuses to let go, even Hua Tuo himself could do nothing.

I thought the imperial physician made sense and adopted a fatalistic attitude toward the worsening condition.

Occasionally, I wanted to visit Xie Yan in the dungeons, but only occasionally. It felt as though my life had been buried that day, leaving only a hollow shell barely clinging to life, each day feeling like a year.

Xie Xing asked if there was anything from the Crown Prince's residence I wanted. I only asked for my remains and the portrait Xie Yan had painted of me.

Xiao Man hid the portrait, adamantly scolding me for crying every time I saw it, worrying that I would truly go blind. I could only awkwardly let him have his way.

I buried my remains next to my father's empty tomb, keeping him company day and night, and I was quite satisfied with this arrangement.

I still live in the prince’s manor because Xie Xing wouldn't let me stay in that dilapidated thatched hut, saying it was full of mosquitoes and exposed to the elements, likely dangerous. I found it somewhat amusing—what danger could possibly befall a grown man? But he threw a fit and refused to allow it. Knowing he meant well, I relented, visiting my father every other day to talk.

Xie Xing's position as Crown Prince is not yet secure, so I remain in women’s attire. Fortunately, this caution has spared me from deadly peril.

On this day, as I was about to go out to pay respects to my father, someone from the palace suddenly arrived, saying the Emperor wished to see me. A sedan chair was already waiting outside.

I privately felt this was a setup, but I am insignificant and have no means to resist. Moreover, Xie Xing had not returned to the residence after court and was likely in the palace, so there might be some support. I didn't know why the Emperor wanted to see me, only worried that one misstep could harm Xie Xing.

However, given the current situation, Xie Xing must be aware and did not send anyone to warn me to avoid it, so it should be fine.

Learning that the Emperor would receive me not in the main hall but elsewhere, I silently breathed a sigh of relief. If he questioned me in front of all the officials, my nervousness might give me away.

The chief eunuch, though appearing arrogant, ceremoniously escorted me to the Cheng'en Hall. I didn't dare openly gaze upon the Emperor's face, keeping my head bowed and kowtowed twice to the Emperor and Xie Xing with full etiquette.

"Raise your head and let me see."

The Emperor's voice was as stern and cold as three years ago. I slowly lifted my head as instructed and saw a flicker of surprise cross his face. His eyes shifted slightly, and he coldly asked, "Your name is Su Yuner?"

"Daughter of the Suzhou Governor?"

This was the false identity Xie Xing had arranged for me. To ensure seamless execution, he even had the Suzhou Governor go over all details with me to prevent any mistakes.

I glanced sideways at Xie Xing and saw him calmly sipping tea, without a hint of panic, so I knew everything was under his control. I nodded and replied, "Your Majesty, this humble woman is indeed Su Yuner, daughter of Su Minwen, Governor of Suzhou."

As soon as I finished speaking, the Emperor stared intently at my face, as if trying to find something extraordinary there. His intense gaze made me extremely uncomfortable, so I lowered my head to minimize my presence.

Unexpectedly, the Emperor deigned to step down from the dragon throne, walking over to me in a few steps. His fingers with slight calluses gripped my chin, slowly lifting my face.

His words carried a casual tone but held an unquestionable authority, "Xing'er, leave. I have some words to say to her alone."

"Father, Yun'er is already mine. You cannot take what belongs to another." Seeing the situation, Xie Xing knew matters were spiraling out of control and couldn't stay calm. His feet seemed rooted to the ground, refusing to budge, fearing something might happen to me if he did.

"Get out."

I knew this was the Emperor's ultimatum to Xie Xing.

Author's Note:

Nothing will happen, don't be afraid.