Chapter 58: Not Giving Herself a Chance to Regret

Chapter 58: Not Giving Herself a Chance to Regret

The wick crackled, and the room flickered with firelight. In the alternating brightness and dimness, two pairs of eyes dimmed from their initial brightness.

Sui Yu took the medicine bowl, using the moment to quickly compose herself. Though this was the outcome she had desired, her heart felt no relief, nor any hint of joy or anticipation.

The small black ceramic bowl, barely larger than a palm, covered her face as she sipped the bitter concoction slowly, unlike her usual hurried gulps. Seeing Sui Yu like this, Zhao Xiping's unease dissipated like mist under the rising sun. Her anxiety, guilt, and hesitation dispelled his doubts. If she had been jubilant, hugging him and whispering sweet nothings, Zhao Xiping would have certainly reconsidered. Fortunately, she still had a conscience, knowing that she couldn't bear losing him.

There always comes a time when a bowl of medicine is finished. Sui Yu held the warm rim of the bowl, lifting her damp eyes to say uneasily, "Will you die?"

"Maybe." With those words, Zhao Xiping snatched the bowl and strode out the door.

Sui Yu stared blankly at the fading silhouette as it disappeared into the darkness of night. The sound of footsteps led to the kitchen, where he remained for a long time.

After tidying up the medicine stove, Zhao Xiping leaned against the kitchen door, gazing at the pitch-black night sky, devoid of stars and moon. Perhaps tomorrow would bring rain; the crops in the fields would grow rapidly after the rain... Lost in thought, he recalled his youthful days of fearlessness, emboldened by a fiery spirit, walking through the wilderness to find the army fighting foreign invaders. Four years in the military, facing death countless times, seeing more blood than water, living on the brink of life and death. On the battlefield, where every day could be your last, he lost his courage, becoming fearful of death, injury, and pain, yearning for a peaceful life. Though such monotonous days were soul-crushing, Zhao Xiping never grew tired of them.

A gust of night wind carried away his sigh. Zhao Xiping lightly pounded his chest, still anxious but unable to control his heart, willing to risk his life for someone else's freedom.

How cheap life can be.

Raindrops fell suddenly, large droplets splattering the ground, stirring up damp earthy smells. The dry cold wind mixed with moisture, making breathing difficult.

Footsteps approached, and Zhao Xiping looked over as the wooden door creaked open. The wind elongated the flame, illuminating a sorrowful face.

"It's raining, come inside," Sui Yu said softly.

"It's cold outside, go in first. I'll heat some water to wash my feet," Zhao Xiping stood straight.

"I'll wait inside."

The door closed again, and Zhao Xiping took a deep breath, scooping cool water to wash his feet, then stepping inside, braving the rain.

"It's raining?" Sui Yu asked, making conversation.

Zhao Xiping ignored her, walking to the bed and touching her forehead, saying, "Your fever is breaking. Go to sleep, and you'll feel better in the morning."

Sui Yu looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes. She choked out, "I didn't want this."

"Hmm."

"I don't want you to be in danger. If something happens to you, it would be my fault." A hot tear rolled down her chin, and Sui Yu swallowed hard, her voice tinged with sobs, her shoulders trembling. She whimpered, "Xiping, I can't bear to see you go to war. I'm afraid you might die. What should I do? Am I being too greedy?"

She cried, and Zhao Xiping felt a strange satisfaction. He stood still, his rough hand sliding down from her forehead to wipe away her tears.

"I'm not dead yet, why are you crying like this?" he asked with a smile.

Sui Yu sobbed, covering his hand with hers and crying loudly.

"If you cry and wake Sui Liang, he'll start crying too," Zhao Xiping reminded her, adding, "Are you crying snot? Don't disgust me."

Sui Yu quieted down, wiping her face with the clothes she had taken off, feeling clearer-headed after crying.

Zhao Xiping watched her with a smile, feeling relaxed.

"Weren't you planning this all along? Why fake crying now?" he asked deliberately.

Sui Yu shook her head, refusing to admit it.

Zhao Xiping scoffed, not wanting to talk anymore. He was also quite tired.

"Go to sleep. I'm going to sleep too." He started to leave.

Sui Yu grabbed his hand, earnestly saying, "Promise me one thing: come back alive. I want to be free, but I want you alive more. If there's any danger that risks your life, even if it means promotion, don't take the chance. You must run. As long as you're alive, I can wait."

"Enough chatter, I know what I'm doing." He cherished his life more than anyone.

Zhao Xiping moved to the other side of the bed, taking off his shoes and getting in. Before sleeping, he instructed, "Call me if you feel unwell."

"Okay."

Sui Yu blew out the oil lamp and lay down. Her body alternated between hot and cold, and she tucked her legs into Zhao Xiping's arms. Her headache kept her awake, staring at the dark ceiling, tears trickling down her cheeks into the pillow.

Suddenly, a sharp pain in her foot made her instinctively pull back, but her legs were firmly held by Zhao Xiping's arm. He said irritably, "Go to sleep, stop crying. If your fever doesn't break by morning, you'll get another needle."

Sui Yu quieted down, turning to hug Sui Liang, soon falling asleep.

As dawn broke, Zhao Xiping woke up, reaching out to touch Sui Yu's forehead. It finally felt cool. Her fever had broken, and she slept deeply like a hibernating snake, unmoving.

Zhao Xiping felt frustrated, thinking about how she had been so preoccupied with her slave status. Now that there was hope, everything seemed fine. With that thought, he lay back down, too tired to care, deciding to skip breakfast and get some more sleep.

It rained overnight, and by mid-morning, the sun came out. The camels, hungry from the night, broke out of their enclosure and wandered around the yard, followed by two lambs, chasing the chickens into a frenzy.

Zhao Xiping heard the commotion and stepped outside. The yard was a mess, with hoofprints in the wet mud. The camels drank from the water trough, the sheep left droppings in the middle of the yard, and the chickens flew onto the roof, squawking loudly.

Zhao Xiping clenched his fists, hastily combed his hair, and without washing his face, opened the door to let the camels and sheep out.

Sui Yu and Sui Liang also emerged. Sui Yu had been burning with fever for days and hadn't eaten properly. Standing in the wind, her legs felt weak.

"Clean up the sheep droppings first," she told Sui Liang. The water in the trough was dirty, so she couldn't cook. She picked up her basket and headed to the vegetable garden.

"Sister Yu, are you going to pick vegetables? Feeling better?" La Mei greeted her, concerned. "Are you feeling alright? I was just coming to check on you."

"I'm better, thank goodness the fever broke," Sui Yu smiled, saying, "Last night, I caused you trouble. I only trust you, so I had to send Liang to your place."

"Next time anything happens, just bring the child over. My family has two kids, and Liang can come play anytime."

"Thanks, I won't hesitate then." Seeing someone approaching, Sui Yu stopped talking and bid farewell to La Mei, heading to the vegetable garden through the muddy ground.

She returned with radish greens, and Zhao Xiping came back too, leaving the camels and sheep with the shepherd. He would join them after cooking.

"I'll cook. You rest and don't touch cold water." Zhao Xiping instructed, "I'll go fetch water first. Just sit at home and rest. Don't get excited and fall ill again."

Sui Yu felt uneasy and didn't dare to tease him anymore, even if his words were barbed; she kept quiet.

After sweeping the courtyard clean, Sui Yu took a wooden board from the shed. Not allowed to cook, she squatted in the yard and used the board to flatten the hoof prints. With the sun overhead, her hands busy, and wearing thick clothes, she soon broke a sweat on her nose.

When the meal was ready, Zhao Xiping called for her to eat. The medicine was also stewing, and he adjusted the fire. Seeing Sui Yu's face flushed again, he felt a pang of worry and quickly went over to feel her forehead.

"No fever. I'm sweating. I'm already better," Sui Yu muttered.

"Better?" Zhao Xiping sneered, "Last night you were on the brink of death, and now you're better?"

Sui Yu glanced at him and walked past him to serve the rice.

"When I said I wanted to earn military merit, you cried all night but couldn't bring yourself to say no." Zhao Xiping took the bowl with a grim face, remembering how her crying had left him dazed last night, feeling numb. This morning, after stepping outside into the wind, he regained his senses.

Sui Yu ate a mouthful of rice without looking at him.

"Speak." He nudged her foot.

"Are you regretting it?" Sui Yu asked him.

Zhao Xiping was taken aback. There was a hint of regret, but not exactly. It was more hesitation and reluctance.

"Then don't go." Sui Yu's face darkened as she took a bite of radish greens and mumbled, "These radish greens are tender right now. Fry them briefly; don't cook them too long."

The two sentences were unrelated, and Zhao Xiping stared at her, noticing the lack of spirit in her face. He glared at her angrily.

Sui Yu glared back, "Meeting me is your bad luck."

"Oh, like my ancestors' graves are emitting green smoke?"

"Well, your ancestors' graves aren't emitting green smoke, but mine are emitting black smoke. I've been unlucky, dealing with all these troubles." Sui Yu lost her appetite again and put down her chopsticks.

Zhao Xiping stared at her, and they held their ground. He slapped his thigh hard, picked up the bowl and chopsticks, and shoved them into her hands, saying, "You win. I can't even say a word."

He wasn't lying; her feelings for him didn't match his for her.

Sui Liang looked like a stunned dog, holding his bowl and looking around, not understanding why they were angry.

Sui Yu felt guilty, lowering her eyes to the steaming rice. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the man beside her stand up and grabbed his hand, saying, "You're my only hope for freedom. I want freedom, and I want you to live. If you're willing to try, I'm willing to take that chance. Last night, I said that no amount of merit is worth your life. That means even if there's no military merit, I won't complain. If you're willing to risk your life for my freedom, I'll risk my life too. If you die on the battlefield and don't come back, I'll settle Sui Liang and then join you."

Zhao Xiping felt relieved. Even though she said she would live well if he died, the lingering reluctance in his heart vanished completely.

After watching Sui Yu finish a bowl of bitter soup in one go, Zhao Xiping washed the dishes and emptied the water jar, cleaning it thoroughly before fetching more water.

On his last trip back, he brought in a full camel and sheep.

"I'm going out for a bit. Wait for me to come back to cook dinner," Zhao Xiping instructed before leaving.

"Where are you going?" Sui Yu asked.

"To find the centurion. For any future missions, I'll ask him to include me." Zhao Xiping strode out, not giving himself a chance to change his mind.

This way, Sui Yu could focus on recovering.